Top Five Regrets before Dying
 

Top Five Regrets before Dying By Bronnie Ware
Thursday, February 3, 2011

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal.

Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.


3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, and choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Keep smiling & have a wonderful life.
_______

I run across this gem a few months back, thought that I would post it here - not that anyone here doesn't already know this stuff, just a reminder as the years go by.

Well I'm only 60 (well next month) and I can already see myself fitting catagory number 2. I'm a work aholic and missed a lot of things when my daughter was growing up because I was to busy or to tired.

That is something I will regret until my dieing day.

I'm so glad you shared that, alot of times in life i forget what is important, and to hear what people think they should of done if they could, I'm going to try to do that for them.

I really appreciate you sharing this with us.

At 68, I have begun to realize that my happiness is something I need to work on daily and I am working on making all my dreams a reality.

For you younger guys out there climbing the corporate ladder (as I once did) or those of you working your a** every day from daylight to dusk in your own business (as I also did), don't wait until you are 68.

I have survived a bout with cancer and am doing fine...but believe me...cancer will make you take stock of your life and when you do, the context of that post will hit home.

Have a good life.

My most regret right now is that I wish that I had spent more time with my parents and loved ones before they passed. You don't realize what they mean until they are gone.

I try to spend as much time with my children and my grand children as I can as I was a work aholic. My children understand how I was back then, 16-18 hour days, 6 days a week. Sometimes 7.

I missed so much when my children were little and that is something that I will never get back.

Good words...certainly deserve reflection.

But I would add a No. 6, not to replace the others or to spite them, but to be considered with balance...

6. I won't leave this world wishing I did things differently. It is what it is.

Sort of like in the My Way tune "Regrets I've had a few, But then again too few to mention" it's a wonderful thing to have no regrets or just a few that are not worth mentioning or thinking about. On the other hand, I've got plenty as I believe most people do. I would have done lots of things differently as I gained knowledge and insight throughout the years. Sometimes I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

Assuming that you can achieve 6, you will be a unique human being as you pass on from this world.

Like I said...balance. Not sure anyone can achieve the ability to rest his (or her) case on No. 6 alone. There are some things you just can't change, or choices you make that needed to be at the time based on the info available at the time.

I've run across folks who, in their later years, find themselves in a self-feeding depression because they over-reflect on their own lives...forgetting that they also brought some joy and happiness to others.

It would be nice to be able to say that you don't have any such regrets on Nos. 1-5. I suspect it could be achieved easily enough if someone decides they are just not the working sort, stays home with the family, accepts welfare and finds time to hang with the buds while they march and carry signs b!tching about needing more government support...while laughing their asses off.

The No. 1 thing for me is making sure I can see the humor in just about anything.

:p

Really great reflection of your patients worthy afterthoughts. I would have guessed more comments about religious beliefs or lack there of and closeness to family. It is hard to beat a fun family!

Jamo:

Good points. I believe that any human being that is fully engaged in life, meaning taking risks - really going for goals relating to family life and work ends up, at least occasionally not prioritizing the important versus stuff that may not even be recalled as years go by.

The pursuit of money in an unbalanced way can end up tragically.

assolutely!

Sounds like I did OK.

If I had anything to change it would probably be that I wish I was a little more tolerant of stuff. Then again, that's covered in #3.

Pat - I'm not sure that 'staff' counts, at the end of the day unless they are also friends or family. "Staff" have their own friends and family to be concerned about, plus the ability to move on if they cannot take the heat. Just treat them honestly, that's the ticket.

I told our family mortician, who is a good friend, that, if no-one speaks up at my planting, he has my permission to say, "Maurice wanted you all to know, that he never did anything that didn't seem like a good idea at the time"

I believe that we all act, react or decide by an infinitely changing evironment around us.

Along the same lines as Jamo's #6

Oh, I was always tolerant of staff. Couldn't succeed without them.

I was talking about "stuf"f......you know, Shi*t!


:)

Nice thread. I consider myself very fortunate to have realised relatively early in life that the pursuit of happiness itself is the most rewarding and fulfilling path that I could take.

Focusing narrowly on specific or material goals and mistaking things like wealth, power and influence over others for true happiness handicaps one with a set of blinders, and the imagined idyllic end becomes corrupted and sullied and pushed further out of reach by the toxic fallout from the path you think you have to follow.

If you are a man of normal morals and ethics, the things that truly make you happy are reflected in your relationships with family, friends, lovers and even the strangers that inevitably cross your path.

I fully believe that if one truly understands and builds a life around what really makes him happy, the other peripherals like hard work, career and education become routine exercises that he enjoys and accepts as necessary efforts towards the realization of his goal.

The actions of others, and circumstances outside of your control will inevitably pose challenges, but that's just life and when you're fundamentally happy, you have enough in reserve to see you through these battles with no permanent or lasting damage to your balance and sense of equilibrium.

Shed the shackles of conformity, love yourself along with the people you love, let the Joneses do their own thing without hustling to keep up, just say no to unecessary stress, and life - for the most part - will be good to you and unfold as it should.

I consider myself very fortunate to have realised relatively early in life that the pursuit of happiness itself is the most rewarding and fulfilling path that I could take.

Unfortunately, most people are not that fortunate, but hopefully learn from some interesting lessons as the years go by. Of course, some don't learn anything.

Well, I'm now 69 years old and have been retired for 13 years, life is great.
I always believed that you "won the lotto" by just being born and got the big prize by being born in America. With that said, I've always looked at choices, experiences and fate as just life itself and we have little control over much of what happens.
It's really simple, always look at the positve side of your life and appreciate it, and be ready to go at any moment. We can 't predict the end so why bother and why feel bad about what you didn't do along the way.

I feel so good right now I think I'll have a beer, or maybe some ice cream, or maybe go drive my funny little cobra.:LOL:

Bill

It is certainly good of you to come back to the land of the LIVING...:LOL::LOL:

By the way a great read in the ORIGINAL POST ..thanks for sharing!!!