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Never let the facts get in the way of a good story. |
The Male Cycle
When I was 15, I hoped I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 18, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. Then I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.:cool: |
If you are over 25 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ _NDOM 2. F_ _K 3. P_N_S 4. PU_S_ 5. S_X 6. BOO_S | | | | | | | | | | Answers: 1. RANDOM 2. FORK 3. PANTS 4. PULSE 5. SIX 6. BOOKS You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? You do NOT have Alzheimer's You are a Pervert |
Spelling errors can ruin your life....
A husband wrote a message to his wife on his business trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word... "I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her." The trial begins on Monday. _____ GUIDO, the ITALIAN LOVER A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian." ____ Not a joke but awesome.... Wreck Diving the Mysterious Ghost Fleet of Truk Lagoon [33 PICS] |
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning. |
My neighbor.....
She's single...She's hot She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door... I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!" Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?" |
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole! "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!" |
A reform congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl lying nude on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you! The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking, where'*s your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very, very angry with you. You have not heard the end of this!" The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you." |
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Peoria, Arizona.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents". They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer... it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're retired people from Sun City. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price." ______ julienki, Kate Upton in Slow Motion _____ |
When my boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped for a minute." "Can you do me a favour?" he asked. I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?" "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole." |
2011 Year-end statistics on airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security.
* Terrorist Plots Discovered 0 * Transvestites 133 * Enlarged Prostates 8,249 * Breast Implants 59,350 * Natural Blondes 3 |
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A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in
Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion. Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, 'Your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.' _____ An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?" |
Obviously from my crude, insensitive brother:
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to an other. Male..... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n . Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female . .. . A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female....... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. Bonus material He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . .. You wear pants don't you? He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said, That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said . We don't know; it has never happened. He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women? She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. |
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After his retirement Sir Winston Churchill was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship."There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" - said Churchill.
"First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And third, in case of an emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first." _____ Clovis is passing by Boudreaux's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Boudreaux doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Clovis rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Boudreaux?" "Good grief, Clovis, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Boudreaux. "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor." (Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.) |
I was reading the information sheet that came with my new
prescription when it came to me: Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read the label on a medication bottle that says: Warning: "May cause extreme sexiness." _____ |
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights
being held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous detective Boudreaux to investigate. Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis rooster fightin'" he began. "Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked. Boudreaux replied confidently, "de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia." Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?" "Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight." The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?" Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck." "Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?" "De duck won." |
Elton John & David's Baby
They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated. When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming. In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love! "The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass...." |
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