Wine Helps...

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars
for dinner.The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of
dinner?""No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied."Will you use
it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked"No I don't waste
time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to
stay alive.""Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the
woman asked."Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair
done in 20 years!""Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.
"Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself
tonight."The homeless Woman was astounded."Won't your hubby be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."The
woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00."Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith"

Grandpa and the checks
 

Subject: Grandpa and the checks


Without any paperwork, Grandpa started getting
a $500 check every month. So Grandpa and
Grandma started cashing them.

It turns out the government made
a mistake with the address; the checks
were intended for another person with
the exact same name.

Grandpa then received a notice that he
had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset,
he complained to his grandson, an accountant.

His grandson asked: "Grandpa, didn't you
wonder why you were receiving checks for
doing absolutely nothing?"

Grandpa answered: "I just assumed the
Democrats were back in power."

Becoming Illegal
 

Becoming Illegal (From a Maryland resident to his senator)

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
Senate Office Building
309 Hart
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of
Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for
which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to
do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get
the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in
return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for
medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as
"in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums.
This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most
appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Pete McGlaughlin

SWEETNESS OF MARRIED LIFE......
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN****! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT **** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and...they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story? -- _

Bureaucracy, look what this guy's lawyer had to deal with,
Only in Louisiana!
You gotta love this lawyer.
It's too good not to share!
Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.



A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the
loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel
of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated
back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After
sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's
loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract
of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared
and presented the application, we must point out that you have only
cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before
final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title
back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I
note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years
covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated
person in this country, particularly those working in the property area,
would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in
1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the
edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior
to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by
Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain
by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named
Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a
new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen,
Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the
FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she
sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm
sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and
God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe
it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called
Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins
date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND
the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now,
may we have our damn loan?"

He got the loan.

Happy Halloween
 

Ray and Bessie

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Ray had always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys
them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his
wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the
room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this
time, "Notice anything different now?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it
was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S
HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

Subject: Golf is important
 

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his

round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the

third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone

rang.


It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible

accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.


The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the

he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what

was shaping up to be
his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a

couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all

eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering

the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more

than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed

to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about
his

wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your

round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you

were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club
your

wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and

finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For

the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be

her care
giver!"


The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than

two hours ago. What'd you shoot?:JEKYLHYDE

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/516h...ce90834760.jpg

AGENDA FOR THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION 2008

7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning. 7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to the U.N. 7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 7:35 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton. 8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging. 8:15 P.M. Gay Wedding -- Barney Frank presiding. 8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan -- Susan Sarandon. 9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. "The proper etiquette for surrender" -- French President Jacques Chirac 9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund 9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay. Sean Penn 9:40 P.M. "Why I hate the Military", A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton 9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented by Michael Moore 9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 10:00 P.M. "How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers" -- Howard Dean 10:30 P.M. Nomination of Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad 11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet 11:15 P.M. "Our Troops are War Criminals" -- John Kerry 11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton 12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.

Tool Users Guide:


1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL - (insert into drill): Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog faeces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under bikes at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading (apart from the first bit).

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 80 years ago by someone at Honda, and rounds them off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

24. STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, leather jackets, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.

Subject: 2006 Democratic National Committee - Planned Schedule of Events

7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.

7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.

7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship. Rev's Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.

8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.

8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.

8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan-- Susan Sarandon.

9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender-- French President Jacques Chirac

9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund

9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay. Sean Penn

9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military, A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton

9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented by Michael Moore

9:55 P.M., Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers-- Howard Dean

10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad

11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet

11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War Criminals-- John Kerry

11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton

12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home

Subject: Husband complimenting his wife


A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."


He never heard the shot.

Borowitz Report
 

www.borowitzreport.com

November 7, 2006
Florida Announces Election Results One Day Early


Gov. Bush Praises Efficiency of Electronic Voting Machines


The state of Florida made electoral history once again on Monday, announcing its election results a full twenty-four hours before the polls opened in the state.

The unprecedented speed with which Florida was able to report full election results, with one hundred percent of all precincts reporting, prompted Florida Gov. Jeb Bush to declare the milestone "a victory for Florida's state-of-the-art electronic voting machines."

While most Floridians were still in bed Monday morning, the state's touchscreen voting machines began tallying their votes at a rate of one million votes a second, Gov. Bush confirmed.

"By nine A.M. on Monday, we had complete results," Gov. Bush said. "I don't want to sound cocky or anything, but once again it looks like Florida is leading the way, election-wise."

Gov. Bush added that thanks to the voting machine's record-setting reporting of its election results, Florida voters would be able to stay at home on Tuesday, saving the state's residents millions of dollars in gasoline.

But even as Gov. Bush was crowing about his state's unprecedented early tally of its electoral decisions, Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean challenged the legitimacy of the vote, noting that Republicans had swept to victory in every single race reported by the supersonic voting machines.

For his part, the Florida governor welcomed Mr. Dean to take his complaints to the U.S. Supreme Court, but added, "According to our early tally, we have already won that case by a 5-4 margin."

Elsewhere, the U.S. economy added 3 million jobs in October, most of them in the field of negative ad production.

The difference between left and right


One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept
money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is
pleased and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open his shop. There is a thank
you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and
leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card
and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and
"Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and
leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
left and right...

http://i14.tinypic.com/2r47lf5.jpg

On the 2nd tee of the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair, it meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed. On the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me of your affair. Since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me"

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers. He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"

Some things are sacred.
____

How To Avoid The Flu Shot
Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...

When you go for a shot, what do they do first?

They Clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So.......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)

I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)

Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"
_____

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to
the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter."

Retirement: coming out of the drug store there was policeman writing a ticket for the expired parking meter.. I said hey @ssHole give me a break..he then proceded to write a ticket for the broken winshield...me to him: what a cheap thing for a public servent to be doing.. another ticket for the almost bald rite front tire...me: you are really the epitomy of uselessness as he calls the tow truck...I could care less...wasnt my car I walked to the store, but it did have a bumper sticker on it "Hillary in '08"