Did you hear about the dislexic, agnostic insomniac?
He lays awake at night thinking is there really a dog....

Have you ever wondered where the guy in the lane next to you was from?? Here is how you can tell...


DOES HE HAVE:

One hand on wheel,
One hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel,
One hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel,
One hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California*
*with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel,
One hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel,
One hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair,
One hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.

The Funeral Stone.

Sam died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Sarah . "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whisky, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

I got them all except this one. I think I know the answer, but I am not sure.

The Maid.

No mail on Sunday.

A burglar breaks into a house in the middle of the night. As he slowly moves through the house with his pen light, a voice says

"Jesus is watching you"

The burglar freezes and turns off his light. Cannot believe what he just heard. It must be his imagination. After a minute or so, he turns on the pen light again and starts to move slowly...again a voice says

"Jesus is watching you"

At this point his heart is pounding and his only thought is "if I can get out of here, I'll never do this again" After another minute or so, he decides he must get out of there and turns on the pen light to scan the room. As he scans the room, the light shines on a parrot. He looks at the parrot and asks, "did you say that"? The parrot says "YEP"
The burglar says "Man you scared me to death" What is your name?

The parrot answers "Moses"

The burglar smiles and says to the parrot "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses"?

the parrot replies...."the same kind of people that would name a ROTTWIELER Jesus"

What's long and hard on a black man?
- Father's Day
What's long and hard on a mexican man?
- 5th grade
What's long and hard on a white man?
- Nothing
_____

An old man walked out onto a frozen lake on a bitter cold winter day. He drilled a hole in the ice, sat on his bucket, put his fishing line in the water and eagerly waited for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost five hours without even a nibble when a young boy walked out, drilled a hole in the ice and sat on his bucket not far from the old man. It only took about one minute and BAM! A huge walleye bit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it and figured it was just luck. Yet, the boy put his fish line in again and within just two minutes he pulled in another huge walleye!

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't stand it any more. He hadn't caught a fish all day. He went to the boy and said, "Boy, I've been here nearly all day without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught TEN huge fish! How do you do it?"

The boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm."

"What," asked the old man?

Again the boy said, "Oo af o rep ra rums rm.”

Freezing and impatient the old man yelled "Look, I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy took off his gloves, spit a clump of stuff into his hands and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!!"

Top Ten Country Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I
Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.

7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’.

6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared
She’d Win.

5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still
Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It’s Hard To Kiss the Lips at Night That Chewed My
Ass Out All Day Long
_____

Sum grammur tiz for teh newbs:

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Don't Touch My Willie by Kevin Fowler
She showed up at my house at half past nine

In a low-cut dress with a bottle of wine

She said this will be a night you won't forget

She poured us some drinks to get us into the mood

I reached for the lights, she reached for my tunes

She pulled out that Red Headed Stranger, I stood up and said

Don't touch my Willie

I don't know you that well

Help yourself to some Haggard or some Jones

Hell, or anybody else

I don't know what you heard

I ain't that kind of guy

Yeah so don't touch my Willie,

We'll get a long just fine

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties!

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not”
Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
Brian O’Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some! It¢s a six-pack; to me it’s a Support Group Salvation in a can!
Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Calvin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Calvin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

I was right on the maid, but wrong on why. I have never seen mail come while breakfast was still being fixed. :JEKYLHYDE :LOL:

A man and his wife were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
> > loud pounding on the door.
> >
> > The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger,
> > standing in the pouring rain, was asking for a push.
> > ' Not a chance ', said the husband,' its 3 o'clock in the morning!
> > 'He slammed the door and returned to bed.
> > 'Who was that? 'Asked his wife.
> > 'Just some drunken guy asking for a push ', he answered.
> >
> > 'Did you help him? 'She asked.
> > 'No! I did not! It's 3 o' clock in the morning and it's pouring out
> > there! '
> >
> > ' Well, you have a short memory,' said his wife, ' Can't you
> > remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two
> > guys helped us?
> > ''I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
> > '
> >
> > The man did as he is told, got dressed, and went out into the
> > pouring rain.
> >
> > He called out into the dark, ' Hello, are you still there? '
> >
> > 'Yes ' came back the answer.
> >
> > 'Do you still need a push? ', called out the husband.
> >
> > "Yes, please! " came the reply from the dark.
> >
> > 'Where are you? 'Asked the husband.
> >
> > 'Over here..... On the swing! 'Replied the drunk.
> >

Actually, not a joke - I'll bet that that is an interesting ride!

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_jan2006/SnowMonster2.jpg

I saw a video of that a while back. I want one

President Clinton & Kim Jong II
 

January 22, 2008
Bill Clinton Acting ‘Like a Madman,’ Says Kim Jong-Il


North Korean Leader Urges Former Prez to ‘Dial it Down’


Former President Bill Clinton is behaving “like a madman” as he campaigns for his wife, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY), and needs to get control over his erratic outbursts, North Korean President Kim Jong-Il said today.

While the reclusive Mr. Kim rarely comments on U.S. politics, the North Korean president said that he felt “compelled” to speak out because Mr. Clinton’s behavior on the campaign trail “had gone too far.”

“When I see him popping off like that, I wonder if he knows that he looks like a lunatic,” Mr. Kim told reporters in Pyongyang. “I really think the guy needs to dial it down a little.”

As a head of state, Mr. Kim said that “it gives him the willies” when he sees other world leaders behaving in a seemingly unhinged manner: “I wouldn’t want people who see Bill Clinton losing it conclude that we’re all a bunch of whackjobs.”

Mr. Kim’s words found support from another head of state, President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, who said that he, too, was “troubled” by the former U.S. president’s “kooky rants.”

“I would strongly advise Bill Clinton that before he opens his mouth, count to ten first.” Mr. Chavez said.

But perhaps the most somber assessment of the former president came today from British singer Amy Winehouse, who called Mr. Clinton’s antics “a desperate cry for help.”

“Bill Clinton needs an intervention,” Ms. Winehouse said. “I hope it’s not too late.”

Elsewhere, Iran called its recent encounter with American warships an “accident,” blaming the entire episode on Mapquest.

Source:

The Borowitz Report .com

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten
disability, too.

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.” The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
____
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a dollar or two myself."

____
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".

____
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

____
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

_____
A blonde calls Virgin Air and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from Sydney to Adelaiade ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute.."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

____
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

____
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"

_____
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

This Week in History



Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California ?
California became a state.
The state had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
Basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.