Birtish Sports car laws
 

The Laws for British Sports Cars

Most of us are familiar with the physical laws thought up by Isaac Newton, the guy who invented gravity. He said things like "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" and "If you sit under a tree long enough, an apple will eventually fall on your head, provided you are sitting under an apple tree."

Isaac was considered very intelligent and was eventually responsible for the invention of calculus, which was a new kind of math for people who thought math wasn't already hard enough. He is also the reason why, even today, people who work in apple orchards often wear large, protective hats.

Newton's Laws made sense for hundreds of years, and everybody believed them. They believed them right up until the time when British sports cars were invented, when it was suddenly realized that a whole new bunch of laws was going to be needed.

Many distinguished scientists have worked their entire lives to try and figure out why British autos never seem to obey any scientific laws known to man.


These eminent scientists, with names like Morris, Healey, Leyland, Mowog, and Murphy, shook the scientific community when they published their new theory of mechanical behavior called "The Laws for British Sports Cars." Many people are not familiar with the five major laws, so they are listed below with a brief explanation of each.


I. Law of Peculiar Random Nomenclature
The name of a British Sports Car shall consist primarily of letters and numbers, with said letters and numbers chosen in random fashion so that the resultant vehicle name is wholly devoid of meaning.

This law explains why British cars always have spectacularly bad names like 'XKE' or worse yet, 'MGBGT'.



II. Law of Cryptic Instruction
Any book, manual, pamphlet, or text dealing with the maintenance, repair, or restoration of a British Sports Car shall be written so that at least every fourth word will be unknown to the average reader. In the event that any portion of the text is understandable, the information contained therein shall be incorrect.

Most people are familiar with this law. Here is an excerpt from page 132 of the MGA shop manual: "Before rebushing the lower grunnion banjos, you must remove the bonnet facia and undo the A-arm nut with a #3 spanner." All attempts to publish an English language version of this manual have failed.



III. Love of Hardship Law
The more a British Sports Car malfunctions, breaks, and/or falls apart, the more endearing it becomes to the owner.

You buy a British Sports Car. You have had it a year and a half, and have replaced every item on the car at least twice. When the engine is started it sounds as if someone has thrown a handful of ball bearings into a blender. But when someone offers to buy it, you are offended because "It's like part of the family, and besides, it's so much fun to drive." British Sports Car owners often stare into space and smile a lot. This is referred to as the "Foolish Person Syndrome."



IV. Law of Non-Functional Attributes
All British Sports Cars, regardless of condition or age, shall always have at least one system or sub-system of components which is entirely non-functional, and cannot be repaired except on a semi-permanent or semi-functional basis.

This is also known as the famous Lucas Electrics Law.



V. Recently Discovered Component Failure Law
Any component of a British Sports Car which is entirely unknown to the owner shall function perfectly, until such time that the owner becomes aware of the component's existence, when it shall instantly fail.

Case in point: I have owned a rather natty MGB for six years. I never knew there was such a thing as a 'Gulp Valve' until I saw new ones offered for sale by Moss Motors. The next day, driving my MGB to work, the Gulp Valve fell off the motor and was run over by a truck. I do not know what the Gulp Valve gulps, nor do I particularly care to know, since it sounds messy and dangerous. But I figured I would buy a new Gulp Valve and install it myself. One look at the shop manual and I decided to have somebody else install it (see Law of Cryptic Instructions, above). While I'm driving the car over to the local repair establishment, I notice that the MGB is performing just as well as it ever did and that the loss of the mysterious Gulp Valve has not had any effect on its behavior. I figure this is due to the Non-functional Attribute Law, which means that the Gulp Valve probably wasn't gulping anything anyway, so I decided not to replace it after all. Three days later the engine had no more oil in it and promptly seized into a solid mass of metal. The tow truck operator, being ignorant of the Love of Hardship Law, offered to take the car off my hands for $100.00. I just smiled.

That's a good one!

Now see if you can find the essay which states that there is "smoke" in electrical systems, and when you "fry" a system and smoke comes out, thus rendering the system non-functional. Or something like that! lol !

I have a really nice "72" TR-6

I gave up after the 3rd alternator and now have a single wire GM unit providing power to the system. I have continuous power to the fuse block, from there where it goes is still yet to be determined.

There should be a special place in hell for whoever came up with the repeating turn signal lights, two flasher units that won't talk to each other.:JEKYLHYDE

Scott S

:LOL:

Bill,

That was great. I have never owned a British Sports Car but a friend of mine had one and it seemed he had an electrical failure about every 100 miles. He carried about a dozen of some kind of capacitors in the car to replace the ones that went open after the 100 miles. Great engineers the British. Build cars that are great for a while, supply all manuals which as you said can't be understood and then build tons of parts to replace the ones that are designed to fail after a certain time. Never dig to deep into the manual to find out just what the motor may have on it.

Ron :LOL: :LOL:

Being an electrical guy, I can shed a little light here.

A lot of people think electronics/electrical are smoke and mirrors. This is true to a point, but the mirrors are just a distraction and can be thought of as "Makeup". They make the circuits look better (at least they look really handsome when I am looking at the mirrors in the circuit). The real functionality comes from the smoke. Another big mistake here as all smoke is not created equal. But, as you stated, once you let the smoke out, the circuit becomes non functional, or at least less functional. The wrong type of smoke in a circuit,even contained, will not work properly. This is true up to the point of the circuit behaving as if there is no smoke in it, or even causing smoke to be released from a different part, or even a complete different circuit making you believe there are problems away from the true source. Smoke is very tricky like that.

English cars are definately in a class by themselves. I had an Austin Healy
100 6 in highschool which in California was a pretty rainy year. I would lose
the brakes almost every time it rained. Doesn't it like rain a lot in England?
The car sounded great until the muffler fell off. Lucas electrical components were both a joke and a mystery at the same time, ( my electric overdrive
had a mind of it's own ). It was a beautiful car though and I wish I had it
today. :CRY:

Excellent! You have tremendous skills with the quill. ;)

Having owned an E-type, TR3, Lotus, and Morgan. The rule was: If any part stops working, hit it with a hammer.

Concussive Correction, AKA Techno Tap.

Dan

In college I had an Alpha Romeo [insert several more names here] Spyder. It came "equipped with Magnetti Morreli ignition. MM stole discarded, failed, Lucas drawings out of their trash and used that to "design" their ignition. If there was a hint of fog in the morning or any amount of moisture in the air, I learned to not even try turning the key. Open the trunk, get out the "Wet Start' and spray the entire engine bay. Girls just loved that burnt waxy smell!!

Dan

Hey Dan........
 

....most of the girls I've known like the "wet start" too!

Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ooooooooooogah!!!.

I can't believe I was the first one to have thrown THAT one up here! (Maybe I'll go play the Lottery).

He shoots! He SCORES!!!!:LOL:

Dan

Q: Do you know why the British don't make computers?

A: They can't figure out how to make them drip oil.