Jokes

[cobra de capell]

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pack My Stuff......

..And my favorite one...

11. Potential Murder Suspect

And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.

[Cobrabill]

Sorry but the number one reason it's called PMS is:

The name Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

[Tinker51]

So there once was a marine biologist. This biologist was involved in the study of dolphin intelligence and he had two subjects that were the prize of his research. These two subjects had allowed him to progress his research faster and more completely in the last few years than he had ever expected to get but there was one problem. Both dolphins were getting old and he was afraid their passing would mark the end of his research (thus causing him to have to go out and get a real job) and this was just not acceptable. He began searching for ways to keep his prize subjects healthy for as long as possible. As he was cruising an antique text of ancient sea lore he found an odd entry. It said if you fed dolphins freshly hatched seagull chicks the dolphins would live forever. Thinking there could be nothing to lose and everything to gain the biologist set out to find some seagull eggs. He called around and found a biologist in the next state who was studying seagulls who would give him two eggs for his experiment. He jumped in his car and headed down the road. Arriving at the lab he found a large incubator full of eggs just ready to hatch. He selected two large eggs, thanked the seagull researcher, jumped in his car and headed back up the road. As bad luck would have it he saw the eggs starting to hatch on the drive back. The text was very clear that the seagull chicks must be freshly hatched in order for this to work. He increased his speed hoping to make it in time. As he sped up the freeway he was half listening to the radio when it blared with the emergency broadcast tone. He turned the volume up to hear the announcer come on and report that some Lions had just escaped from the national zoo and that local residents should be on the lookout. At that moment the biologist saw a flash of yellow, felt the car make two large jarring bumps and then come to a halt at the side of the road. He looked back and saw the two lions lying dead in the road. A patrolman came upon the scene and asked what had happened. The biologist explained that he was in the process of trying to quickly get the now hatching seagull eggs back to his lab for the experiment on his dolphins when he had hit and killed the two escaped lions. The patrolman thought for a moment then pulled out his handcuffs and said "OK buddy, you better come with me". The biologist was floored. He said "Why am I being arrested I haven't done anything"?! The patrolman responded, "Sir I am arresting you for transporting young gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises".

[Ron61]

PEANUTS

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " why they don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

[Ron61]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank
because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman
replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his
testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you
should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

[Yetiman]

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, and he looks at his girlfriend and says "This is the Pig I have sex with when You have a headache !"

His girlfriend looks at him condescendingly and says You will find thats thats a SHEEP, not a Pig you moron !"

He looks at her and replies "You will find I wasn't Talking to YOU !"

[Ron61]

Getting older has its drawbacks, but I guess there aren't too many good alternatives to getting older. Whenever you see a gathering of seniors, it is an even bet they are talking about everything that is wrong with them.
You know, the usual, memory, urinary problems, knees, eyesight, etc., etc.
Well, I am a senior and I absolutely refuse to discuss these issues with everyone else. If I have a problem, I find a solution. It is not always the solution that I like, but I handle it the best way I know and I don't discuss it with every person I see on the street that is past 62. No sir....
With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter. I wanted something that was easy on gas and could zip me to the store and about town. This seems to meet my EVERY need. I love it!

REMEMBER!!

Senior Citizens Are Valuable.
We Are More Valuable Than Any of The Younger Generation.
We have Silver in our hair.
We have Gold in our teeth.
We have Stones in our kidneys.
We have Lead in our feet.
We areloaded with NATURAL GAS

[bfreer]

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and with it make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there is nothing you
can do about it.

[cobra de capell]

Ponder This:

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and drycleaners depressed?

If Fed EX merged with UPS, would it be called FED-UP?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they're cramming for the final exam.

If it is true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

No one ever says "it's only a game when their team is winning.

Whatever happened to preparation A through G?
_____

Best NSA slogan:
Bush spied, terrorists died.

Best slogan about Democrats:
Democrats -- a 40 year war on poverty and still no exit strategy

Best slogan about education:
Help stamp out literacy -- support the teachers' union.

Best slogan about life and death issues:
Aren't you glad your mother was pro-life?

Best anti-terrorism slogan:
Give peace a chance. Kill a terrorist.

Best "I support Bush" slogan:
I stubbed my toe. Impeach Bush!

Best "I support the war and our troops" slogan:
Peace through victory.

Best "money and responsibility" slogan:
Keep your socialism out of my paycheck!

Best "this is liberalism" slogan:
Liberals: so open-minded, their brains fell out.

Best original "this is liberalism" slogan:
It takes a conservative to feed a liberal.

Best "free speech/ACLU" slogan:
ACLU: Aiding and Abetting America's Enemies.

Best MSM slogan:
Reporters aren't liberal -- and the 9/11 hijackers weren't Muslims.

Best "the USA is a great place" slogan:
I will not be intimidated. I will not be silenced. I am an American.

Best "election 2008" slogan:
Vote for a REAL strong woman . . . Condoleeza!

Best religion slogan:
Free to be religious.

Best of the rest:
Casey Sheehan deserves a better spokesperson.

[EarlsflyinCobra]

­I recently picked a new primary care physician.
>
> After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly > well"
> for my age.
>
> A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do > you
> think I'll live to be 80?"
>
> He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
>
> "Oh no," I replied.
>
> "I'm not doing drugs, either."
>
> Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
>
> I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
>
> "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, > hiking,
> or bicycling?"
>
> No, I don't," I said.
>
> He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
>
> No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
>
> He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a ****?"

[EarlsflyinCobra]

BE CAREFUL OF PLAY TOYS...MBD
>
>
>>
>>ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.
>>
>>Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a >>guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
>>
>>Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my >>interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a >>little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a >>100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
>>effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term >>adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to >>safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
>>
>>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two >>triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I >>was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND >>pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch >>of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
>>Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the >>face of her microwave.
>>
>>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it >>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right? There >>I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little >>soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed >>to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
>>
>>I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) >>and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going >>to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did >>want some assurance that it would work as
>>advertised. Am I wrong?
>>
>>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses >>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser >>in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and >>disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle >>spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would >>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of >>water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the >>batteries.
>>
>>All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, >>less than 3/4 inch in
>>circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a >>batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
>>
>>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my >>best.....I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked >>to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second >>burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I >>decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I >>touched
>>the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS >>OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
>>
>>I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up >>in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over >>and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal >>position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, >>testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in >>the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over >>me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, >>undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>>
>>Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note >>of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap >>yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from >>your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst >>would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A >>minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that >>point), collected my
>>wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent >>reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get >>there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. >>My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip >>weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a
>>significant reward for their safe return.
>>
>>Still in hock,
>>Tommy
>

[Dangerous Doug]

A doctor walks into an examination room where an elderly woman is waiting.

“Mrs. Johnson, good to see you. What can I help you with?”

“Well,” Mrs. Johnson started, “I’ve been having a little problem. It’s a little embarassing.”

“Don’t worry. You don’t need to be embarassed with me. What’s ailing you?” the kind doctor replied.

“Well, I’ve been having silent gas attacks at the most inopportune moments. For instance, I was standing in a long line at the city library, and I was silently passing gas while I was standing in line. It smelled awful, but because it was silent I could let them slip out.”

“Uh, huh. Go on.”

“And another time, I was at the ballet with my daughter. Throughout the whole performance, I was silently passing gas.”

“So it’s a constant problem for you?”

“Why, yes! It is! In fact, the whole time I’ve been standing here talking to you, I’ve been silently passing gas!”

“Well,” the kind doctor replied, “ I think we need to start by testing your hearing…”

[EarlsflyinCobra]

I don't understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping. The receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

[cobra de capell]

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS."


The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."


The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"


"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your butt is for."
_____

[cobra de capell]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE )
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax and pour it onto your upper thigh,rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.