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letsboogie351 03-04-2013 01:28 PM

A female police officer arrests a man for drink driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk says, "Tits".


What have fat birds and mopeds got in common.
They're both fun to ride, until some one sees you on one.



Timbuktu -
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a
university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, and then
allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained
the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
destination - Timbuktu.
The audience went crazy! No way could the old abo top that, they
thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I buck one, and Timbuktu.

Rog246 03-05-2013 12:18 AM

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a
Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence
between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,

'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot..

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the
captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all fukin same.

Rog246 03-05-2013 12:20 AM

ahh de Irish-gotta luv ém
 
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a woman a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
"Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any women who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

letsboogie351 03-05-2013 08:10 PM

AirBagsSaveLives_zps87d1894d.mp4 Video by letsboogie | Photobucket

petrolhead 03-06-2013 12:47 AM

Well they work her face didn't hit the road

aaannnd 03-06-2013 05:40 AM

now i know whay i've broken my hand last year, i got no airbags

letsboogie351 03-11-2013 09:30 PM

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,
"I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"

Rog246 03-12-2013 12:46 AM

Roflmfao !:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

petrolhead 03-12-2013 05:49 AM

A guy walks into a bar and orders a Scotch and Coke, the bartender reaches under the table and places a apple in front of him, "WTF I ordered a Scotch & Coke", the bartender encourages him to try it, he takes a bite and is amazed that it tastes like Scotch, now the bartender tells him to turn it around, he turns it around takes a bite and he is even more amazed that it tastes like Coke, then another patron walks in and orders a Gin & Tonic, the barman puts an apple in front of him and before he can comment the first patron tells him to just try it, he takes a bite and it tastes like Gin the bartender tells him to turn it around, he does and takes a bite, wow it tastes like tonic, then a midget walks in the bar, the barman asks him "what will it be" the midget says "I'm not sure yet then the first patron tells the midget that the barman "has apples with any flavour, "any flavour" says the miget "yes" say the first & second customers", so the miget asks for "a apple that tastes like poosy", the barman reaches under the bar and puts a apple in front of him, the midget takes a huge bite almost chokes and then spits it across the room screaming"THAT TASTS LIKE SHYTE" the barman looks at him and says "turn it around.....

letsboogie351 03-17-2013 03:40 PM

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children’s iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.


George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."


My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker!

Rog246 03-28-2013 02:10 PM

NAG NAG NAG

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

letsboogie351 03-28-2013 02:29 PM

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge" .
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed" . He puts on his
latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina .
"How does that feel?" he asks .
"lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear !"


The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife
. They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!" . They
said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" . I said "I
know but she has a lovely personality !"


Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for
men with really small dicks?
Girl says "I dont think its in yet"
He replies "Yeah, thats the one !!"

Rog246 03-30-2013 02:55 PM

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing

on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot

a rescue boat coming...

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe

my eyes.

There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most sceptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've

finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face

up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered,

yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been

on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long,

long time... So... Do you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?"




"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer.

letsboogie351 03-31-2013 02:53 PM

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.





The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.





The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been f****d laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

Rog246 03-31-2013 10:11 PM

An oldie but a goodie ! lol

petrolhead 03-31-2013 11:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by letsboogie351 (Post 1237917)
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.





The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.





The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been f****d laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

If his name is "BOB" he should be fine

Rog246 04-01-2013 01:06 AM

I had a dog like that once.........no legs at all.
He lived under a tree in our garden............so we called in Rustle :LOL:

Rog246 04-01-2013 01:08 AM

The Jewish ELBOW

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"


Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

boxhead 04-01-2013 09:00 PM

For those who thought drag racing wasnt dangerous enough.
Drag Racing Indoors Back in the Day! Way Cool!

Aussie Mike 04-01-2013 09:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rog246 (Post 1237963)
I had a dog like that once.........no legs at all.
He lived under a tree in our garden............so we called in Rustle :LOL:

We had a dog like that too. We called him Cigarette cause every night I'd take him out for a drag.


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