[Buddy23]

As a kid, I dreamed of owning the world’s hottest car, the AC Cobra, a car so hot that it’s the real cause of global warming. I followed the standard mantra, go to school, get good grades, get a degree, get a good job. Life was great. Not a care in the world. I was young, single and had cash burning a hole in my pocket….


But dark times were just around the corner. The Cobra dream and the wad of cash were about to meet at the cross-roads of acquisition. The red and silver serpent had entered my life.


In retrospect, it’s clear that I’d sold my soul to the devil. Suddenly hot girls were noticing when I cruised past. Was it me that caused their jaws to drop, or were they just charmed by my sleek, throbbing friend? Their husbands / partners became imaginary friends as they humped the Cobra’s curvy panels and gushed,“take me for a ride, you’ve gotta take me for a ride in it. Oh……. and by the way, what is it called?”

“A Cobra,” I’d reply, “so seductive that it knows Victoria’s Secret.”

Luckily the seats are leather and easily cleaned, as the rumbling V8 evoked “when Harry met Sally”emotions in the delighted passengers, giving new meaning to the term joy ride.


Within months, my shiny wing-man had worked wonders. I was romancing a lovely young lady who was way out of my league. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay outta my league! as my friends continue to point out none too subtly.


But the devil wanted his due. The lovely young lady’s ring finger became adorned first with one ring, then two in the blink of a serpentine eye. How does that happen? But there was one more surprise awaiting me. I bet you can’t guess what it is. Looking back it’s now obvious, but it never dawned on me that the world’s sexiest car would be indelibly linked to conception. Even industrial-strength latex is not enough to hold back a Cobra! Now my life is over. Income subtracted, weight added, time divided and responsibilities multiplied = square-rooted! Three bums don’t go into two seats. That creates a maths debate and means it’s time to sell!


Anyway, more about the car itself….

It’s red, to make it go faster, not that it needs to because it reaches illegal speed in seconds anyway… However, it is important for getting away from the aforementioned imaginary friends that get a bit grumpy when their better halves start grinding themselves on the rear-quarter panels.


It also has two silver stripes to alert others that they’re surrounded by greatness, Lightning McQueen style. Ka-chow!


It is so hot and so cool simultaneously that it doesn’t need air-conditioning. Some may seek blacked out gangsta side windows but it’s way too cool to have windows or a roof. This means having air-con is a bit pointless really and nothing about this car is pointless. Feeling a bit cold? Just sit back and enjoy the global warming that this car is emitting. It does have a windscreen demister that throws off a bit of extra heat in case the humpers get a bit icy about being dropped off after their all-too-short, but exhilarating joy ride. It’s also good for making sure the glass stays transparent when things get a bit steamy. Helpful kit that!


It doesn’t have any drink holders, but this car is not for the type of person that would buy an expensive 4WD for the cup-holders… not to mention off-road handling that will never be utilised. If you are that type, I won’t sell you this car anyway. Unless you’re the highest bidder, in which case I’ll conveniently ignore any moral prejudices that I may’ve formed about you. In case you wanted to hold any business meetings in this car, I suggest you just hold onto your own cups and don’t invite any more than two people to the meeting -yourself and someone with enough glamour to meld into the sensual contours.


It has a big rumbly thing up front that makes sounds and vibrations that have some sort of pied-piper effect on people. Some call it a 5.7 litre Gen III V8 engine, others just get this glazed-over look and start dribbling. And it’s fuel-injected, like AFL footballers on mad-Monday, not one of those old-fashioned carby-whatsit setups. Since this car is only around half the weight of the donor car that the driveline came from, the fuel economy is surprisingly good, unless you consider drifting IS driving. It runs on the smell of an oily rag as long as the rag is porous enough to suck up 50+ litres of the Middle-East’s finest drop.


It has a 4 speed automatic transmission, so if you ever get disoriented during the escapades that this car will get you into, then just stick it in H for home and the problem’s solved. It possibly has other features in common with the Batmobile but I haven’t worked out how to activate them, despite regularly driving around in a Batman suit. If only I could convince my wife to don the Wonder Woman suit…..


The original owner said it had a VT Commodore limited slip diff, which sounds like something my chiropractor once said. But the seats are comfy to sit in and haven’t given me any back pain at all. Most importantly, they’re leather and the drool can easily be easily wiped off.


As you’d expect from a car this tough, it not only has steering, but it has Power Steering, unlike most of the wussier Cobras on the road. And as a measure of the toughness of even the wussier Cobras, they are so tough that Chuck Norris wears Cobra pyjamas to bed.


It has ABS Brakes, which are really important when trying to slow down from warp speed like a Millennium Falcon (the much-loved AU model… apologies for that ordinary pun)


Like most Cobras, this car handles like it’s on rails and has Traction Control just in case you try to get a bit over-zealous like with your old Scalectrix set. There are very few Cobras out there with traction control, but ask any Cobra Club member about the number of newbies who punt their car off the road because their engine’s power has unexpectedly kicked their light body off-line and you will understand the importance of this. This rare feature has come to my rescue on a number of occasions.


Cruise Control. This car not only has it, but lives it! Chapel St. Lygon St. Any St. No need for hot-dog exhaust systems, rubbish music pumping through sub-woofers that are fully sick or fluorescent lighting. This car cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuises. Just driving past has been known to cause pregnancy in some women though, so ensure the car is properly protected before heading out on the town.


The car has a CD/Radio but most people prefer to listen to the engine and the sound of the wind whistling through their ears.


Yes, it has Commodore VT Series II instrumentation rather than the traditional old-time dials, but the cool of this car easily overcomes any inner-bogan tendencies that might be trying to break out.


It has 17" Alloy wheels and who’s not impressed by 17 inches?


The remote boot release is importantly for a speedy getaway after dumping the bodies of passengers that have died of over-excitement during quick flings in this car.


Whilst having all the charm of a 1963 model and the toughness of having been born on a mine site, it has done less than 8,000km since built (Drive-line had done 71,866km when fitted to car).


You can see it, hear it, smell it and touch it, but just in case you are overcome by the urge to lick it, I’d recommend that you don’t. I can’t vouch for where it’s been or what it’s been doing while I’ve been out at work. One other word of warning. You can’t use motor oil in this car, it insists on using KY Jelly for lubrication. It also insists that you don’t hang one of those pine-scent things on the rear-vision mirror. Apparently it is amenable to the use of a smell-stick that recreates the aroma of Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment for some reason though.


Inspections are welcomed. If you’re too intimidated by the brute force that emanates from this car, you’re welcome to just sit in it and make engine noises. I’m happy to make engine noises for you if you like but it will cost extra. I have a friend who does a great Ferrari F1 impersonation and would be happy to pop around, but he’s a lawyer and charges in 6 minute increments. Come to think of it, it’s probably cheaper to buy the car than to pay for his services.


If you want to enhance your street-cred or get lucky with the ladies (or hairy-backs if you prefer), this is the car for you. If you’re a hairy-back yourself and are having the first pangs of mid-life crisis then this is the car for you. If you’re willing to pay me the money to buy it, then this is the car for you. If you can imagine yourself driving through the local KFC and ordering a zinger burger in this car then you simply don’t have enough imagination and need to find yourself a creative type to do all your important work for you.


If you call within the next 18 minutes, I’ll throw in a free set of steak knives…. But wait, there’s more….. ahh stuff it…. Just buy it and enjoy it as much as I did before marriage.

2005 AC COBRA (No Badge) Convertible Private Cars For Sale in VIC - carsales.com.au