Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
____
My girlfriend told me to go out and find her something that I think will make her look sexy.
I came back drunk.
_____
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
_____
A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather short tempered with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
_____
Condoms should change colors according to whatever STD they come in contact with.
_____