[bliss]

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.

I liked beer so much that my family didn't know I drank until they saw me sober!

Welcome to Twitter - if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine one will be assigned to you.

I asked dad for his best dad joke, he said you.

A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years, but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds.

I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "stop shaking the ladder you little fart."

Doctor: "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."
Woman: "Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!"
Doctor: "No, it just looks like you are."