We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about
you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not contest to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your
oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying
anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was
that there was no Heaven. After a long life the husband was the
first to go and true to his word he made contact.
"Mary... Mary.... "
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I
have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have
lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till
late at night, sleep then start all over again."
"Oh Fred you surely must be in Heaven."
"Hell no. I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she
has been in a coma for several years. On this visit
he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking
to her. While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh.
Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the
doctor.
"That is a good sign," suggests the doctor,
"Why don't you try rubbing her right breast
to see if there is any reaction."
The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her
right breast which brings a moan from his wife. He rushes
out again and tells the doctor. The doctor thinks
this is amazing and could perhaps be a real break through.
The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside
and perform oral sex.
More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his
wife's bedside to do his deed. Some five minutes later,
the husband comes running from his wife's
bedside screaming for the doctor.
"What's going on?" asks the doctor.
The husband yells, "My wife stopped breathing!"
"What happened?" asks the doctor. "Everything seemed to
be looking good a few minutes ago."
The husband replies, "She choked."
Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other
person dies.
As an instructional assistant for a public school, part of my job
involves teaching small groups of children. One day I was in charge of
some second-graders, who were concentrating on their artwork.
As I reached across to help a student, he remarked that something
smelled good. I was pleased that he noticed my perfume, until he held a
wide felt-tip pen up to his nose and said, "Yep. New markers."
George went to his friend's house and asked to be put up for
the night because he had a fight with his wife.
"What happened?" the friend asked.
"When I got home tonight I was really beat, tired as a dog.
So when she asked me for fifty bucks for a new dress, I guess
I must have been half asleep or something, because I said, '
All right, but let's finish the dictation first.'"
We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us
pick ourselves up and hurry on as if nothing happened.
Some see the cup as half full, others see it as half empty.
I just see it as one more thing I have to wash.
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend," his buddy said.
"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"
"I asked her if she could learn to love me," he replied," and she asked
me how much I was willing to spend on her education."
A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The
clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk."
I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."
The clerk asked, "Pasteurised?"
She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin."
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does
he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at
carpeting?
"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"
"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.
"Whatever do you mean by that?"
"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress
with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'does my
paranoia'?"
A department store advertised in the paper it's having a Baby Sale. Call
me old-fashioned, but I prefer the way we make 'em at home.
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
A plane flying over the North Sea is in trouble and likely to ditch.
There are six passengers on board, a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Priest, and
three children. But there are only three life jackets.
The Doctor says, "Save the children!!," waving the life jackets.
Making a grab for the jackets, the Lawyer shouts, "Screw the
children!!" and the Priest inquires, "Is there time...?"
Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a
day?
