[bonyhadi]

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Jack and Jill went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass,
And now his front teeth are missing.
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A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit,
the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything
checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the
wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so
when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass
to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said,
"When you can read this, come back and see me."
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but
it takes a whole ****in' box to start a campfire?
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The Woman's Personal Safety Reality-Check Test


1. What is the real meaning of a pink T-shirt with a revolver
on it that says, "The ultimate in feminine protection?"
a. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
b. Ultimate force equals ultimate personal protection.
c. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days."

2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
a. All you'll ever need.
b. Next to useless with nothing to back it up.
c. The signal to "Fire!"

3. The movie "Thelma and Louise" was:
a. An insidious Hollywood plot to stamp out femininity
and glorify mindless violence by women.
b. A female buddy film that included allegories of
empowerment.
c. A training film.

4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma
and Louise" where the two women disarmed a Texas State
Police Officer?
a. Real women would never do anything as tacky, tasteless,
and altogether gauche as pointing guns at a man, let
alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
b. There is no Texas State Police per se, but rather a
Department of Public Safety that includes a Highway
Patrol; they do not authorize the .45 1911 auto for
carry, except by Texas Rangers; the ammo on the
officer's belt was revolver cartridges in single loops,
not appropriate auto pistol ammo in magazines.
c. The dumb broads left a perfectly good shotgun clamped
to the dashboard of the cruiser.

5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response
is to:
a. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
b. Call the exterminator.
c. Link up the belt-feed to the M-60.

6. You are discussing the depressing local crime statistics with
your goodhearted neighbor, Ralph, who suggests that you buy
a .25 caliber pistol for home defense. You reply:
a. "Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly
surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless macho sexist
brute force!"
b. "An amusing suggestion, Ralph, but don't you think it's
a little light for the purpose?"
c. "Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel
stupid enough to give me wimpy advice like that!"

7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster?
a. "Yeech! It would be an obscene juxtaposition of the icon
of death with the symbol of nurturing!"
b. "Uncomfortable and impractical, designed by males for
females."
c. "Not a bad idea, so long as it doesn't get in the way
when you reach for the MAC-10 submachine gun in your
shoulder sling."

8. Define "male."
a. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only
one letter short of "male violence."
b. An individual of the opposite sex.
c. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females,
but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.

9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray
products as Mace and CapStun belong?
a. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and
understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
b. At the lower-threat levels of the Use of Force Continuum.
c. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of
feminine deodorant spray.

10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder.
He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife
upraised. How many shots should you fire?
a. None. It would be better to die than sacrifice moral
victory by using "his" kind of force.
b. As many shots as are necessary to stop the attack.
c. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, when is the next time
you'll get a chance like this to express yourself, and
really get in touch with your feelings?


-- Grading the Exam --


* If 8 or more of your answers were "a," it is time to check
into a Reality Clinic. Perhaps the meek *will* inherit the Earth,
but only when the rest of us are damn well done with it.

* If 8 or more of your answers were "b," welcome to the land
of the well-adjusted adults who manage their own responsibilities
with an appropriate level of power.

* If 8 or more of your answers were "c," don't feel too bad.
Society may not have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as
soon as they start casting for the lead role in "The Bride of
Rambo." You are, at the very least, interesting!
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