[bonyhadi]

=====================
At a family gathering, all generations attending,
the naughty grandchildren smuggle a Viagra pill
into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excuses himself to go to the
men's room.
When he returns, his trousers are wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?" asked the grandchildren.

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom, so I
took
it out, but then I saw it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
=====================
Screw yew

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to
draw
the renowned English longbow. English soldiers, therefore, would be
incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the
native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as
"plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the
French,
the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving
their
middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck
yew!
"PLUCK YEW!" Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult
consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a
labiodental
fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an
intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the
arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as
"giving
the bird".. And yew thought yew knew everything.
===================

The Urge To Lose Weight (Guaranteed)

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious
health risks. As he wondered how the heck he would ever do it, he comes
across an ad for a "Guaranteed Weight Loss Program."

"Guaranteed like heck" he thought to himself; but desperate, he called
them &subscribed to the 3 day/10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there is a knock at his door & when he answers it, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful 19-year-old babe


dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes & a sign around her neck


She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,


huffing & puffing, he finally catches her & has his way with her. After

they are through, she leaves & he thinks to himself," I like the way this
company does business."
The same girl shows up for the next 2 days & the same thing happens. On
the 4th day, he weighs himself & is delighted to find he has lost the
10lbs. as promised. He calls the company & orders from them their 5 day/20 lb.
program.
As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door & there stands
the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life,
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes & a sign around her neck that
reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door
after her like a shot. This woman is in excellent shape & it takes him a


while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp & wheeze.


She is by far the best he has ever had.
For the next 5 days, the same routine happens & much to his delight, on
the 6th day he weighs himself & found he has lost another 20 lbs, as
promised. He decides to go for broke & calls the company to order the 7
day/50lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program."
He answers, "Yes...I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door & when he opens it, he finds
Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes & a
sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you."

=================================
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the
house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain." The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought
her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your
shoes which you d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never
wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you
both in our bed with no clothes on?"
The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't
use anymore?"
================
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so
busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not
for good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a man marries a woman, they become one but the
trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife
like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's
no wonder that brides often blush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the
past ...but never the present.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you
stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is
gonna work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when
the interest is kept up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg
depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook,
sew, make bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking
orders.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their 40th
wedding anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonigh?" "Naw,
said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for something' that happened 40
years
==========================
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire well before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management