[bonyhadi]

FOR EVERYONE WHO LOVES THE RURAL MIDWEST

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians
cross states such as Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Indiana, or
Missouri, those states Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help
outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following 19 item list will be
handed to each person as they enter the Midwestern States.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at
the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on
your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the
way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah we saw Bambi. We
got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped. . . by
our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off
at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for. . . bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot!

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will
shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the
airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can
order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet
tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a
million dollar combine that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may
even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks -- because they want to. So, you're a feminist!

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's
available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70 and
80 go two ways--Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the
concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot. . . his
name is "Sir". . . no matter how old he is.
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No Mystery Here...
Everyone seems to be wondering why the Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
No Beer
No booze.
No bars.
No television.
No Internet.
No Baseball
No Football
No Basketball
No Hockey
No Golf
Soccer only and all the time
No tailgate parties.
No tailgates on camels
No Hooters.
No Pork BBQ.
No hot dogs.
No Burgers
No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks. Ever try to fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe only with your left. (Like life isn't
complicated enough already).
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
No music.
No radio.
You can't shave.
Your wife can't shave
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
No mystery here.
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An obituary....

We mourn the passing of an old friend, Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life but
died in the United States from heart failure on the brink of the new millennium. No one
really knows how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape.
He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories helping
folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws,
and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating
such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn),
reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come
in second.
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological
Revolution, Common Sense survived trends including body piercing, whole language, and
"new math." But his health declined when he became infected with the
"If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well
intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled
by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly
implemented zero-tolerance policies.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a
teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin
to a student but could not inform the parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted
an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband,
churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and
federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports.
Finally, when a woman, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was
awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of
developments regarding questionable regulations such as those for low flow toilets, rocking
chairs, and stepladders.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife,
Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two
stepbrothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Obituary author unknown.
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New HR Policies
Dear Employees:
Here is our new policies. Try to follow it.
Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your
organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something
removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the
funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the
work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Your Own Death: This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at
least 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.
Rest Room Use: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in the
future all employees will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance,
those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin
with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies,
employees may swap their time with another coworker. However, both employee
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3
minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment
experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or
input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Thank you
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