~~~Women Vs. Handgun ~~~
Reasons why a handgun is better than a woman:
You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
You can trade a .44 for two .22's.
You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few
rounds with it.
Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
Handguns function normally every day of the month.
A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"
A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.
You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.
A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger"...
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The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking thebooks reminds me of a
basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method
called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff.
It explains why the
oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970's when the
oil shortage occured. They stopped buying
oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been
purchased in the 1930's at 20¢ a barrel. They, of course, sold it at current marketprices, which
accounted for their huge profits. One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, Sir,
but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."
The professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, Son, this is Accounting 101.
Ethics 101 is two doors down the hall, on the left."
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Pets View of Human Sex
Dog: "Oh, God, not again. Let's turn the hose on them."
Dog: "Great, there goes the urge to drink out of the toilet."
Cat: "Y'know, if I didn't have a tail, I'd try that."
Dog: "I've heard about that position -- it's called 'human style.'"
Sheep: "It's just a phase. He'll be back."
Dog: "How strange -- why would you want someone else to lick it for you?"
Rabbits: "Amateurs!"
Dog: "Geez, they have to look at each other's *faces* while they're doing that??"
Dog: "Let's hop on and make it a conga line!"
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The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, Which human body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th
graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,and they will go and tell the principal,
who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times
its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big
trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked
around nervously,and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is
the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, As for you, young lady, I
have three things to say:
1) you have a dirty little mind,
2) you didn't read your homework
3) one day youare going to be very, very disappointed."
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Cynics Guide To Life
*Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire
drill.
*Always take time to stop and smell the roses...and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
*If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a
good mooning.
*Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the
salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and
the"whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
*Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
*This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.That's the price you pay
for letting the relatives stay over.
*It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
*Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off,and when it isn't... you
can't wait to throw up.
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You Know You're From Louisiana...
When out of town, you stop and ask someone where there is a drive-thru daiquiri place, and
they look at you like you have three heads...
The crawdad mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass...
Every so often, you have waterfront property...
You learned to drive a boat before you could drive a car...
You know the meaning of a "Delcambre Reeboks" (That would be a pair of all white fishing
boots)...
You can name all of your 3rd cousins...
Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under...
When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like
Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold"!..
You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something"...
You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house....
The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy"dressed" is healthier
than a Caesar salad...
The smell of a crawfish boil turns you on more than HBO...
You don't realize until high school what a "county" is...
You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several
Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop...
You have a ditch on at least one side of your property...
You like your rice and politics dirty...
You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Newawlins"...
You know when it's appropriate to use "Tony Chachere's"...
When you're in Baton Rouge you know the difference between the old bridge& the new
bridge...
Your last name isn't pronouned the way it's spelled.
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you're in cajun country when...
Your glasses fog up when you step outside...
You were in high school before you realized that Catholic and Public were not the two major
religions...
You will eat foods that are purple, green & gold...
Your baby's first words are "boudin"..
You're at Mardi Gras when it starts to rain and you cover your drink rather than your head...
You take Community Coffee & Tabasco with you on vacation...
You are not alarmed at finding plastic dolls in your pastry...
You eat cracklins for breakfast...
All the people in public office are known as "Dud, Moon, Cat, Duffy, or Dutch."..
You keep newspapers not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish boils...
You know that the best doughnuts are square and have no holes...
You exhibit "doubloon reflex" by stomping on a runaway quarter with your foot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WWIII
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't
that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them,"
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.The
guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits? Bush turns to Powell,
punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about
the 140 million Iraqis!"
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Curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Don't Ask...Don't Tell
Morris staggered into the house at two o'clock in the morning. As he entered his bedroom, he
found another man in bed with his wife.
Sherry, his wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know where Morris had been until
two o'clock in the morning.
Morris looked at his wife's lover and demanded, "Who in the hell is this guy, and what is he
doing in bed with you?"
The wife responded, "Don't go changing the subject! Where in the hell have you been so late?"
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