[bonyhadi]

Observations in Life

1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and butthead's.

14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

17. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

18. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

19. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?


20. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
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***Remember***
A peach is a peach,
A plum is a plum,
A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue.
So, open your mouth, close your eyes,
And give your tongue some exercise!
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When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes
him so sexy.

When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to
see who's the handsome dude behind him.

But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.
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Did you hear about the new Jewish game show?
The Price Is Too Much.
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For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to
strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.

Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at
work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunch box down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."

Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic.
After a quick peek, he immediately says, "Leftovers again!"
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A little girl is walking along in the park when she comes across 3
little dogs sitting there she bends down to stroke the first dog and
says "How are you today little doggy"
To her utmost surprise the dog answers "I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day"
The girl then turns to the second dog and says " How are you today little doggy"
The dog answers " I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day"
The girl then turns to the third dog and say "Little doggy you don't
look as happy and contented as the other two, why would this be" At this the third dog answers "because my name is Puddles"
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Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware of...

1. THE ALGORE Virus....
(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
>
2. THE CLINTON Virus....
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
>
3. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
>
4. THE LEWINSKY virus...
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then Emails everyone about what it did)
>
5. THE RONALD REAGAN virus....
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
>
6. THE MIKE TYSON virus....
(Quits after two bytes)
>
7. THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb,
then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)
>
8. THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...
(Deletes all old files)
>
9. THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
(Disks can no longer be inserted)
>
10. THE PROZAC virus...
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your Processor doesn't care)
>
11. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus....
(Only attacks minor files)
>
12. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back) -
>
13. THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man?
You can enjoy all but the head.

What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?
They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.

What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds.

Why are men men and rats rats?
Because rats had first choice.

Why can't a man be both handsome and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.

Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.

Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask for directions.

Why are men like the letter Q?
A big zero with a small tail....

Why do women not get married as often these days?
Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge than a pig in the living room.

What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject.

Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?
It is rarer.

Why do men marry virgins?
They cannot handle the criticism.

Why do men exist?
Who else is going to mow the lawn.

What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man.
A rumor.

What do you never want to hear while having good sex?
Honey, I am home!

Why don't men go through menopause?
They never left puberty.

How do you know that a man is lying?
His lips are moving.
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A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in
his stomach.

She commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
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"The Ten Most Important Things"
1- LOVE: The special feeling that makes you feel all warm and wonderful.
2- RESPECT: Treating others as well as you would like to be treated.
3- APPRECIATION: To be grateful for all the good things that life has to offer.
4- HAPPINESS: The full enjoyment of each moment. A smiling face!
5- FORGIVENESS: The ability to let things be without anger.
6- SHARING: The joy of giving without thought of receiving.
7- HONESTY: The quality of always telling the truth.
8- INTEGRITY: The purity of doing what's right, no matter what.
9- COMPASSION: The essence of feeling another's pain, while easingtheir hurt.
10- PEACE: The reward for living the 10 Most Important Things.
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SHE SAID HE SAID
Wife: Scientists claim that the average person speaks ten thousand words a day.
Husband: Yes, dear, but remember you are far above average.
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CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN BECAUSE...

A Cat Always Hits the Literbox

Better chance of training a cat

No matter what your cat drags into your house, you don't have to pretend to like it

You never have to spend time with your cat's mother

If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.

A Cat purrs when you serve him dinner.

You can de-claw a cat... Try to get a guy to clip his toenails.

It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

You don't have to worry about your cat turning into a pig when you host a party

A cat knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is.

If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~