NEW VIRUS
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do
not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only
erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on
disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on all your credit cards. It reprograms your
ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
If you drive a Ford, it will start missing like a Chevy. It will program
your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix
antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
For god's sake, are you listening?
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting
company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing
your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things
in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to
passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly
change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it
will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the
forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill
your skim milk with whole milk.
PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!
If you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard
that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
*******Please Send, send, send, send, and send!********
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A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to
himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely
stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or
later."
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I tell my husband that I've
got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as
soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out."
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the
bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to
hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
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IDIOT HI-JACKER
A cargo plane is in mid-flight way out over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a
startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator, and stewardess.
He holds his gun at the pilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place!"
The pilot calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll
die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thinks about this and then holds the gun at the copilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HIS brains
all over the place."
But the co-pilot also calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at
the shock of my being killed like that. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thinks about this for a moment and then holds the gun at the navigator's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm gonna
spill HIS brains all over the place."
But the navigator calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense
of
direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Cuba. So if you shoot me, this plane will still
crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thinks some more, shrugs and this time holds the gun at the stewardess's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba
or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."
No one says a word but the stewardess leans over and whispers something into the hijacker's ear. The hijacker turns beet red, drops his
gun, and runs out of the cockpit in a panic.
Later after the crew has tracked down the hijacker (whom they found cowering behind some crates in the hold) and tied him up, the pilot
asks
the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir, that if he killed me, HE would be the one who'd have to give you guys
your blowjobs."
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John comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife Jill standingin the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, 7-inch spike heels, and the
whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?" John asks.
"I think the waterbed burst," says the trembling Jill. Just then a naked guy floats by.
"Who's that?" demands John.
Jill replies demurely, "I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."
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An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.
"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years? Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the old woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."