[bonyhadi]

New Human Resource Policies

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a* raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of a sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all of your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4 & December 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement
is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be
glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early, provided your share of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However we require at
least two week's notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all*
employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00AM to 8:20AM. All employees
whose name begins with "B" will go from 8:20AM to 8:40AM and so on.* If you are
unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day
when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time
with a coworker. Both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition there is not a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll with retract, and the
stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch
because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, insinuations, allegations, accusations contemplations,
consternation's or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week. The Management














Talented?
-----------------------------------
Do you think you can read? Try this tongue-twister!

Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar
owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw
See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw
Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.
But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so
See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so
sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.




Mirror, Mirror
----------------------------------
The little girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned."

"What is it, my child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day
I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I
have good news. That isn’t a sin - it’s only a mistake."











Takeoff
---------------------------------
An airplane filled to capacity is sitting on the tarmack awaiting
take-off, when the pilot and co-pilot come aboard.
The pilot is wearing sunglasses, and hitting the sides of the aisle with
a white cane. The co-pilot is following behind him being led by a
seeing-eye dog.
As both pilots continue toward the cockpit, the passengers start
to murmur amongst themselves..."Are they kidding..?, what's going on..?"

When the plane's engines start, the passengers get louder. As the
plane begins to pick up speed down the runway the passengers are really
getting loud.
Finally when the plane is at full throttle with only 20 feet of
runway left, the passengers begin screaming at the top of their lungs.
The plane suddenly pulls up and is airborne.
The pilot says to the co-pilot, "You know, one of these days they're not
going to scream in time, and we're all gonna die!"














As I was browsing through an old newspaper, I read aloud to my wife a
news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do. "I
must be true," she said. "This is the second time you've read that
article to me."