[bonyhadi]

HER HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN...

You let one rip in your sleep
and don't care if he hears.

Talking dirty in bed means
shouting obscenities when he
hogs the blanket.

Chivalry's as dead as the
door he lets slam in your face.

PMS lasts all month.

Your jumbo box of absorbent
maxi-pads is on open display.

"Honey, what are you thinking?"
is now, "Are you finished yet?!"

He yawns when you ***** about that
guy hitting on you at work.

Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties
have become way too uncomfortable.

Two weeks no orgasm.

Three weeks no orgasm ... and you
still don't miss it.

When he lends you five bucks, he
expects it back.

You'd rather spend quality time
with your vibrator.








A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator
so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch
yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for
the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman
standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot
alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a
great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more
of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde
flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"





The Bird Question"

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.

Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one
lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right,
the next question is worth one million dollars.
If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000.
Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not
build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."

Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who
Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam
here who needs your help to answer the one
million dollar question. The next voice you hear
will be Pam's..."

Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not
build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C)
cuckoo, or D) thrush."

Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

Pam: "Are you sure?"

Carol: "I'm sure."

Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the
$500,000 or play for the million?"

Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."

Regis:" Is that your final answer?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."

Regis: "You said C) cuckoo... And you're right!
Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION
DOLLARS!"

To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That
night they go out on the town. As they're sipping
champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her,"
Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo
that does not build its own nest?"

"Pam, it was easy," replies her (blonde?) friend.
"Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."







Sex Quotes





Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can buy."

Steve Martin: "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty
damned good."

Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good
hand."

Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."

Rodney Dangerfield: "My wife said she'd like to have sex in the back seat of the car... and she wanted me to
drive."

George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

Harvey Korman: "Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building."










Did you hear about the constipated Mexican Ghost?
He was full of sheet.

Why are Jehovah witness women flat chested?
Everybody pushes them off their porch.
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A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew
what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands
up if they knew the correct sounds.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher.
"What sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Billy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does
a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response.

She chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a
deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-****a!"
================================================== ===========
Guy explains to his doctor, "Doc, when I got up this morning, I put
on a pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie.
Then on the way to work I couldn't help singing 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's
off to work I go', and when I got there I started calling everyone
Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on.

What's the matter with me?"

"That's easy," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells."
================================================== ===========
Confucius say,
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money"
================================================== ===========
Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady
answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."

She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you
sex instead."

Johnny says, "All right."

He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the
biggest dick she's ever seen...

Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge
washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.

She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."

He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
================================================== ===========
As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school
and finish grade five.
This is Mike's Ebonics homework vocabulary assignment.
He must use each new word in a sentence.

1. Catacomb
I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man,
somebody get that cat a comb.

2. Foreclose
If I pay alimony today, I got no money fore close.

3. Rectum
I had two Cadillac's, but my ***** rectum both.

4. Disappointment
My parole officer tol' me if I miss dis appointment,
they gonna send me back to the joint.

5. Israel
Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake."
He say, "Bull****, that watch is rael".

6. Undermine
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

7. Acoustic
When I was little, my uncle bought me a coustic
and took me to the pool hall.

8. Iraq
When we got to the pool hall, I tol' my uncle "i raq, you break."

9. Stain
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her,
"Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

10. Fortify
I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "forti fy."
================================================== ===========
After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.
"Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad
news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor.
"The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your
last exam."
"Great!" the man said, "What is the bad news?"
"It's malignant," replied the doctor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The blonde goes into the store and does her shopping. When she
finishes and returns to her car she discovers that she has locked her
keys in the car.

Finding no one to help she returns to the store in search of a clothes
hanger. After locating a hanger she goes back out to the parking lot
and carefully opens it up and proceeds to work on her door to get it
unlocked.
After a few minutes, she succeeds in opening the door.

When she gets home, beaming with pride, she tells her story to her
husband. She also reassured him that she was going to make sure she
was prepared for the next time.

She says: "I kept that hanger; I put it in the trunk."