[bonyhadi]

There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"
Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day,
marching' in
the St. Patrick's Day parade."
St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and
here is
a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good
time
in heaven."


Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song
in his
heart.
He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around.
But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a
sudden, a
Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him.
And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial
music.
Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates.


He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St.
Patrick's
Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny,
insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.'
But,
there's a Jew over there.
He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music
and I,
Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer.
Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"
















A drunk comes home, stumbles into the kitchen and
prepares himself a cup of tea. He then proceeds to
carry it to the bedroom.

As he lies down next to his wife, holding the tea cup
he slurs: "Do lemons have little yellow feet?"

The wife looks at him: "No!"

"Damn!" he says, "then I squeezed the canary into my tea."


















Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and
drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being
would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on
all fours? They're both dogs!

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the same tune?









Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient
wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not!
I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."







My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.
"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor. "That's easy. I only eat
pool balls." "Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "Maybe that's
the trouble. What kind do you eat?" "All kinds," replied the man, "Red
ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for
afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner." "I see the problem,"
said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens!"












A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain
that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an
object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers
what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a IRS ID badge and
dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil
tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have
three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS auditor."

"What do you have to lose! ? You've got no transportation, and
it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and
drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
going to be a string attached.