1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art
gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by sausage
sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a
media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato
sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing
them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might
have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sand shoes.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from
the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine
example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not
be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By
contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced
to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the
development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we may
all just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself,
but to neighbourhood mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth
fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one
that just happens to have the swimming pool.
17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family
drinks too much.
19. The poisoning of Phar Lap remains the purest example of what happens
when Australians attempt to take on the outside world.
20. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend
all night drinking the host's beer. Don't worry, he'll have catered for it.
21. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred
kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
22. When tipping in a restaurant, we add 10 per cent, and then round down
to the nearest large- denomination note. Yet, miraculously, we still
believe we've tipped 10 per cent.
23. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon.
You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to
the car, you are not trying.
24. Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard,
or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is
acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what back yards are for.
25. Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of
the local mayor.
26. A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as
in America, but hilarity.
27. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog
battle problem that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
28. When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will
always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
29. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
30. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella
in high winds.
31. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most
conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call
is "being made on my mobile".
32. There comes a time in every Australian's life when one realises that
the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies.
33. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says
"cobber".
Women can be nasty at times (only when provoked!!!)
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE: It's hot!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
