[bonyhadi]

~FAQ For Beginners~

Q: What's a FAQ?
A: It means "Frequently Asked Questions."

Q: Oh, so it's not a dirty word then?
A: No, it just sounds a bit like one.

Q: So, What, exactly, is the Internet?
A: The Internet is a worldwide network of university,
government, business, and private computer systems.

Q: Who runs it?
A: A 12-year-old named Kevin.

Q: How can I get on the Internet?
A: The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial
"on-line" services, such as AOL, CompuServe, Netscape Online, or
BT Internet. They will give you their program disks for free.
Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some
night and install their programs on your computer when you're
sleeping. They are really desperate for your business with them.

Q: What are the benefits of these services?
A:The major benefit is that they all have simple,
"user-friendly" interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no
previous computer experience -- to provide the online services
with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges
on your credit card bill forever.

Q: What if I die?
A: They don't care.

Q: Can't I cancel my account?
A: Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.

Q: How?
A: Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been
trying for years to cancel our online service accounts, but no
matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills.
We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Q: What if I have children?
A: You'll want an anesthetic, because childbirth really hurts.

Q: No, I mean ... what if my children also use my Internet
account?

A: You should just sign your house and major internal organs
over to the online service right now.

Q: Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once
I'm connected to an online service?

A: Millions of things! An incredible array of things!
No end to the number of things you can do!

Q: Like what?
A: You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.

Q: Chat?
A: Chat.

Q: I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people
all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers,
most of whom are boring and stupid!

Q: Sounds great! How does it work?
A: Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in.
Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific
interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People,
Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course,
Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment,
an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use
clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will l know their real
identities.

Q: What are their real identities?
A: They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages,
in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from
writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you could be talking
to almost anybody on the Internet!

Q: Really?
A: No. I lied. By the way, get used to that. You're almost
always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13 year-old boys.
But they *pretend* to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.

Q: What do people talk about in chat areas?
A: Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic
of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but
equally fascinating topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a
wild change of pace, every now and then the discussion is
interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13 year-old boy wishing to talk
dirty to women -- or to other 13 year-old boys. To give you an
idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation
of a typical chat area dialogue:

(Do not read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery.)