[bonyhadi]

"I don't care if my husband leaves me," said the young wife of her
mate.
"Just so long as he leaves me enough!"
====================================
Hello my sex pot," breathed the obscene phone caller. " I know you are
the hottest woman in Dallas. If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll
give you a piece of the action."

"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in
one hand, I ain't the least bit interested!"
=================================
I was in my office last week, when a male coworker poked his head in
the door and asked if I was busy. I said no and invited him to come in
and close the door. "I need help," he said. "It's sort of private.

You see my wife and I are having some difficulty with sex."
He looked highly embarrassed.
"Well, I'll certainly be happy to try to help," I said, unsure exactly
what he might want me to do about it.
"You know, it's gotten so bad we've had to resort to S & M."
"You mean sadism and masochism?" I asked, incredulous.
"No, I mean she sleeps and I masturbate."
===========================
Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole
Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your
obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine
juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard
to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others
during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.
To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives
all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts
your status.
JUST BE YOURSELF......!!!!!
Effective as of this_____day of_________________2000
Per:____________________________
Authorized Signature
===============================
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument,
their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked
Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
=============================
Little Johnny's teacher was helping him put on his boots. He was really
struggling, so she began helping him push them on. The boots still
didn't want to go on. Finally, after several minutes the first boot was
on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little Johnny said, "Teacher, they're on
the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right
feet.

Little Johnny then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why
didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to
help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

Little Johnny then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me
wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered what grace and
courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

"Now," she said sweating profusely, "where are your mittens?"

Said Little Johnny "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots. . ."
=============================
Performance Appraisals Revisited

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ........= Able to bull****
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ........= Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE .................= Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED .....= Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ...........= Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY ..................= Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ........= Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER ...............= Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING ...................= Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER ..................= Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE .......................= Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS .....= Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ........= Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL ...= A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES .........= Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT .....= Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR .............= Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED ....................= Back Stabber
LOYAL ............................= Can't get a job anywhere else
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There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
=======================