[bonyhadi]

Why are Democrats better in bed?
Because you've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant.

Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
Because they can lie without moving their lips.

What does a politician have in common with Jeffrey Dahmer?
They both have skeletons in their closet.

What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?
LIAR
.
What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?
A breeding-heart liberal.

If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of
progress?

What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a
corrupt lawyer?
Chelsea.

How does the IRS describe a day at work?
Taxing.
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An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back forty, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw
it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end
of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim or make you get out of the pond naked.

"I only came to feed the alligators."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.
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The Seinfeld Sex Dictionary
Backed Up - Glandular condition that men get from not having sex.
Bad Breaker Upper - Someone who ends a relationship by saying those mean things that people don't mean, but means them.
Home Bed Advantage - The confident feeling one gets while making love in one's own surroundings.
"It didn't take" - George's explanation for Susan's short-lived experimentation with lesbianism.
The "It's-not-you-it's-me" routine - Breakup method to which George lays claim.
Love - A spice with many tastes, according to Newman.
Make up Sex - The best feature of a heavy relationship; eclipsed only by "conjugal-visit sex".
Master of your Domain - One who can refrain from masturbation. (Also: Lord of the Manor, King of the County, Queen of the Castle.)
Public Fornicator - A porn actor.
Put in - The length of time one has to keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison. Elaine suggests three weeks.
Sexual Camel - Someone who can go great lengths of time without sex.
Sexual Perjury - Faking it.
Shrinkage - Physical reaction men have to cold water.
Slip One Past the Goalie - To impregnate a woman.
Stopping Short - Frank Costanza's technique to cop a feel in the car.
The Switch - Dating a woman, then dating her roommate after the breakup. Has never been done successfully.
The Tap - Sign a woman uses to stop oral sex, sort of like the manager coming to the mound and asking for the ball.
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TEN THINGS A MAN WILL NEVER SAY...
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7.While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore
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NOAH'S ARK IN 2002

If you ever had to deal with your local town, this is life in
2002!!!!!!!!!!!
Imagine it is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it
rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of
living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, G-d delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the
Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah
sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah", He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not
comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw
the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance
from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind
aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could
not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking g-dless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has
seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the
earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years,"
Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has." AMEN...
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