[bonyhadi]

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
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The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to
them, " I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of
gonorrhea in the convent."
A nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Zinfandel."
============================================
Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three
women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied,
"I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one
hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the
fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed
the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a
newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the
other."
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A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to
help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other
night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an
Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this
mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience!
===========================================
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going
to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male
employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:
"I think I might be gay"
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In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about
whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she
heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum.

He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
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A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet, and instructs
the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.

The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him hard.

Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital
and goes.... "Taa-Daa!"
==========================================
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements
of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted
video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video.
They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than
professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two
of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an
outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen sex activities with
utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the
screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much
fun!"
======================================
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left
over by those who got there first.
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The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold, and that the members of the village were to collect
wood to be prepared for a cold winter.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be
cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather
Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every
scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely, we made a study " the weather man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like ****ing crazy!"
================================================== =====
Blonde Moments!

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.
You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said.
Try playing a game of fetch the ball.
"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because," she replied, "He can't throw, duh."
=========================================
What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?
A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.
====================================
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.
=================================
A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious
nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad.
In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his
slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him.
"Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed
limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60,
off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster
than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control
of the car.

He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car
around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was
trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck.

"Go up to the road and get help," he said.

"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he
told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the
road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my
boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs,
replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope
for him."
===========================================
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see

yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled

them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it in that camel and let's get the hell out
of here?"
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