[bonyhadi]

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
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Big John, a huge lumberjack, goes to the dentist with a terrific
toothache. The dentist checks him over and says "That tooth has to
come out. Do you want gas or novocain?"
Big John says "Just pull the damn thing, Doc I don't want anything".
The dentist says "You'd better have something the pain will be
intolerable".
Big John says "Doc, I've only felt pain twice in my life".
The dentist says "Tell me about it".
Big John tells the dentist he was in the woods on a snowy winter day and he had to take a terrific dump, so he dropped his pants and
squatted. He didn't realize he was squatting over a bear trap and the trap snapped shut on his balls. He said he felt real pain.
The dentist asked him when he felt pain for the second time and
Big John said "When I got to the end of the chain!"
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A little Jewish woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital,
said, "Hello,darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the
information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse.

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's
name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! she's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh,yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came
back asnormal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is
going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."

The woman said, "Thank G-d! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic,darling!... That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me ****!"
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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year. Male drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to December.
Females retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen, had
to be a girl. We should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and
not get lost.
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My neighbour found out her Schnauzer dog could hardly hear so
she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet
told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's
ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
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A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father
charges one hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job.
My father charges only twenty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."


Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what he charges for Elmer."
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At a Gynecologist convention in Switzerland two gynecologists were talking. One from France says "There was a woman in my office
yesterday with a clitoris like a watermelon."

Another one from England says, "That's impossible, if she had a
clitoris the size of a watermelon she couldn't walk."

The one from France responded, "You English, always thinking
about size. I was talking about taste."
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An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no
money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you
keep doing that, I'll write you a check."
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WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU NEED A NEW DOCTOR

The patient before you was a goat.

Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.

He has an assistant named Igor.

The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."

Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.

During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.

Mike Wallace and the '60 Minutes' film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.

He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.

His diploma is from Salsa University in Uganda

All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series."

He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.
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The presiding judge had just completed rendering the court's verdict and was about to pass sentence when he asked the defendant if he
had anything to say.

"No, judge, there is nothing I care to say," answered the prisoner.
"But if you'll clear away the tables and chairs in this here courtroom for me to beat the HELL outta that asshole lawyer of mine, you
can give me a year or two extra."
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A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so
desperate that she decides to ask G-d for help. She begins to pray...

"G-d, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the
lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Brandi again prays ..."G-d, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My G-d, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I
don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Brandi is confronted by the voice of G-d Himself: "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
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