[cobra de capell]

"Sir we've got some bad news and good news."

"What's the bad news?"

"We've just found your wife's body, they've pulled it up from the bay, it was covered in dungeoness and king crabs."

"uhhh, I see, what's the good news?"

"We'll be pulling it up again tomorrow."
_____

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D."

The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."

The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

"Lard ass."