NO OFFENSE MEANT TO THE SERVER GODS!
I'm too ignorant to offend.
I gotchur Windows XP witchur Netscrape 7.1.- all looks like Tokyo-by-night stuff to me. The rectangular plastic lump with wires is by HP.
I do, however, comprehend what you just pains-takingly explained and will defy fate to accomplish it.
Your patience is truly appreciated.