[Trevor Legate]

A big thank you to my unpaid secretary for booking my flights - cheers m'dear :-) However, you've overlooked the horror of trying to drive to Luton (are you serious?) and then you put me on a RYAN(we hate all our clients equally)AIR flight. Well thank you. Its 5-star travel for moi I'll have you know, wot with being a world-famous prize-winning orfer like wot I am. (Anyway I'm currently en route, cycling through France on the way to Malta though I'd appreciate it if you could post some sandwiches to my next overnight stop, as I'm running low....and these new cycle clips are really cutting in now)

For the benefit of any non-UK readers we now have a brand new whizzy $9-billion Terminal 5 at Heathrow which was opened properly yesterday, only to find it does not work. Thus nobody is geting in or out of our illustrious country or if they do, they can forget the idea of having any luggage. People have been sent text messages saying their flight is cancelled when it's not, and others have flown to the Caribbean to join cruise ships but sans their belongings - who needs clothes on a cruise ship anyway...? And so the Empire slips slowly below the waves, becoming a third-world nation under the inspired leadership (sic) of a Labour government. What a surprise...fly here at your own risk folks.