[cobra de capell]

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following 'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN REDNECK IF...'

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your rear with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off bombs.

9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You normally bathe monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
_____

MY Living Will

I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Guns
ammo
Cup of coffee
Margarita
Sex
guns
ammo
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
guns
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
guns
ammo
Ice cream
Cup of coffee
Chocolate
guns
Sex
ammo
Chocolate
ammo
guns

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!
_____

A small guy steps onto an elevator and sees the biggest guy ever. The big guy looks down and says:

7 foot
300lbs
20 inch penis
testicles 3lbs each
Turner Brown

The small guy hits the floor, out cold.

The big guy smacks him awake and he looks up and asks,"what did you just say?".

The big guy says,"I saw the look on your face so I just answered all the normal questions. I'm 7 feet tall, weight 300lbs, my penis is 20 inches long, my testicles weigh 3lbs apiece and my names Turner Brown".

The small guy says,"Oh, Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn Around'".