[Gordon Claunch]

CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they
say about
Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning,
although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung
sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in
a X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What
does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my
truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I
wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of
the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen
in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at
the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
imagination. On Christmas Eve,with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise
came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliable legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained,
"It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her
clothes?",Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay
said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could
have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride
in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My
grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by
the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I
noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
actually flirting. It
was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his
chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and
remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder
drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to
star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her
whenever he can get out
of the house.