Chili Cookoff

[trularin]

Before you move this to the lounge, read it thoroughly. You may not want to move it, it's too darn funny!

> > Chili Cook-Off
> >
> > If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
>for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
>paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .
> >
> > Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
>first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
>of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually
>have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
>major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park ...
> >
> > Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
>from Springfield , IL .
> >
> > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
>to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
>two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,
>besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
>accepted and became Judge 3."
> >
> > Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
> >
> > CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> > Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
>out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> > Judge # 2 -- Great BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
>I'm
> > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
>to
> > give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
>saw
> > the look on my face.
>
> >
> > CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> > Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
>more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
>is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
>beer.
> >
>
> > CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
>to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
>was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting
>to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
>aphrodisiac?
> >
>
> > CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>admit
> > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
>can
> > no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
>had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
>beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
>It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>Screw them.
> >
>
> > CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>spices and peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
>garlic.Superb.
> > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
>gaseous,sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried
>it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
>except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with
>a snow cone.
> >
>
> > CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chili peppers at the last moment.**I should take note that I am worried
>about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably.
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>decided to stop breathing its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
>oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
>in my stomach.
> >
> >
> > CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
> >
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,passed
>out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.Not sure if
>he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
>hot chili?
> >Judge # 3 -- No Report