PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence , Kansas , December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her
friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.


The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set,
and dialed the subscriber's house.


The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.


Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:


1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.


2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.


3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.


4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.


Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin..

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act...

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . .... . .. . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot...

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes

(Send in large type so you can read it)

Truths For Mature Humans


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

4. There is a huge need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for
the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up
to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from
3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974.That means it only took 100 years
for men to realize that their brain is also important.

100 MPH Goat
 

Not sure if this has been posted but it's pretty funny:



100 MPH GOAT...................Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they
come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the
size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom.
I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen
and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give
me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and
throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a
rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up
to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and
trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here
a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert
miles an hour, and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a
transmission!"

I decided to become less Chauvinistic and be more sensitive to my wife's needs.
I bought her a new bag and a belt.
The Hoover works great now.

John Boehner and the President will tee off later this month. However I would guess there will be very few words spoken. Boehner will be hitting to the right of the fairway and Obama will be hitting to the left. Distancing each other greatly. Being that the Preident is a south paw this has a high probability.

WARNING: THIS POST IS MADE WITH NO AFFILIATION! DON'T GO THERE!

After being married for 47 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said ... "47" years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 homes, a $40,000.00 car, a nice big bed
and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It
seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging
your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't
even at home yesterday.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50million
tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got
pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I
went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.
Paddy replies - I'm gunna take her with me!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says
"Let's hope it's not the 13th."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police
station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy:
"We'll lie and say we only found two."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

A man was riding the bus, minding his own business, when this gorgeous woman next to him started to breast feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ...I'll give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Shot my first turkey yesterday.

Scared the heck out of everyone in the frozen food section…

It was awesome!

Gettin' old is so much fun !!!

Did you hear the Japanese has finally made a camera with a shutter speed fast enough to catch a woman with her mouth closed?

________________
Ferrari Killer
Steve

Must Sell Right Now

.

Michigan Hunting Laws

A Coloradan and a Michigander were hunting in the UP when
an illegal alien runs across the field.

The Michigander takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Coloradan.

"No, no, it's legal here in Michigan " replies the Michigander.

Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer and
puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door.

Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Coloradan thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in
Michigan !" protests the Coloradan.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

Old Joke attributed to Shelby:
When you start a German car, it says, "Yes, sir, where would you like to go, sir?"
When you start an Italian car, it says, "Hey, let's go have some fun, eh?"
And when you start a Shelby, it says, "F*#K YOU! I'm going to KILL you!"

Biology Class - final exam

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk', worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers... and the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

He was repeatedly told that smoking kills ...

http://www.ratemyfunnypictures.com/w.....-640x846.jpg

Awesome english lesson
 

Flyin Freddie Rice started this thread way way back in 2001. I miss having that crazy bastard around. :(

Old German Shepper:
A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his
faithful, elderly German Shepherd along for the trip.


One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!'
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the
leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy,
that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around
here?'


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the
leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd
sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up.


The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes
a deal for himself with the leopard.


The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he
hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
old German Shepherd says...

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!


Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth
and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

so Lou...why did the old dog get lost again? lol