For Turk
 

Does killing time damage eternity?

Or did he just whip it out
 

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

I am SOOOO ashamed now !!
 

That I joined this club ! :p

I Will NOT tell a joke,

I Will NOT tell a joke,

I Will NOT tell a joke,

I Will NOT tell a joke,

I Will NOT tell a joke,

I Will NOT tell a joke,

I Will NOT tell a joke,

I Will NOT tell a joke,

NOSIR!!! Enough criminal activity on this thread for one website !! :JEKYLHYDE

No, we just call them less fortunate.

Not Jokes just Thoughts
 

Do pilots take crash-courses?

CobraDan is building post count.

:LOL:

SIGNS OF WEAR
 

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
love,"and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment You on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Dammit..Dave Samson....
 

...stop looking around with those beady eyes, man! You'll catch me in my underwear...! Besides, what are you lookin' at anyhow....?

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

Freddie,
I'm just hoping those Hawian chicks will drop their fig leaves.

Early Retirement, By The Inch
 

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an
early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight
away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body,
with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man
to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet.
He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from
the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet.
He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to
measure, he told the pension man, "Measure from the tip of my penis to
the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps
the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice
checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted,
and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better
get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants.
He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's
penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your
testicles?" "In Vietnam!" the general replied.

Duplicate....yer disqualified....!
 

Duplicate joke, Dan....you're DQ'd...

:3DSMILE:

Fred, after 20 pages it's hard
 

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, queer?"

Hey Dan, since when do you complain when it's hard **) **) **)

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to
lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-make mental
note- must do
more sit-ups.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and pumice
stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43
added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner
enhances with natural
avocado oil.
Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten
minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has
all come off).
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but
decide to get it
waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you
lose the water
pressure.
Turn of the shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze
hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on
head.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed
areas and
then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting
dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and
leave them in a
pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the “woo-woo”
sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your
gut to see if you
have pecs (no).
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch you
butt.
Fart.
Get in the shower.
Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one).
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse
it off.
Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and
surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap
bar.
Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror
again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the
curtain hanging out
of the tub the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener
size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you
pass your wife,
pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the
“woo-woo” sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed.
Get dressed in under two minutes. Fart

This is assolutely the winning post on this entire thread!:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

MICHIGAN DEAD BEATS
 

Two hunters from Michigan--(true story). A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog?
Let's talk about the dog:
A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. As the dog heads back towards them, the two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!
And you thought your day was not going well?

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
> >
> >"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I
> >just finished cleaning!"
> >
> >My mother taught me RELIGION:
> >
> >"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
> >
> >My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
> >
> >"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
> >into the middle of next week!"
> >
> >My mother taught me LOGIC:
> >
> >"Because I said so, that's why."
> >
> >My Mother taught me LOGIC:
> >
> >"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
> >you're not going to the store with me."
> >
> >My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
> >
> >"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in
> >an accident"
> >
> >My mother taught me IRONY:
> >
> >"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry
> >about."
> >
> >My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
> >
> >"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
> >
> >My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
> >
> >"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your
> >neck!"
> >
> >My mother taught me about STAMINA:
> >
> >"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
> >
> >My mother taught me about WEATHER:
> >"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
> >
> >My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
> >
> >"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you,
> >would you listen THEN?"
> >
> >My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
> >
> >"If I've told you once, I've told you a million
> >times--Don't Exaggerate!!!"
> >
> >My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
> >
> >"I brought you into this world, and I can take you
> >out."
> >
> >My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
> >
> >"Stop acting like your father!"
> >
> >My mother taught me about ENVY!
> >
> >"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
> >world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
> >
> >My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
> >
> >"Just wait until we get home."
> >
> >My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
> >
> >"You are going to get it when we get home!"
> >
> >My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
> >
> >"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
> >to freeze that way."
> >
> >My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
> >
> >"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never
> >get a good job."
> >
> >My Mother taught me ESP:
> >
> >"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when
> >you're cold?"
> >
> >My Mother taught me HUMOR:
> >
> >"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
> >running to me."
> >
> >My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
> >
> >"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
> >up."
> >
> >My Mother taught me about SEX:
> >
> >"How do you think you got here?"
> >
> >My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
> >
> >"You're just like your father."
> >
> >My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
> >
> >"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
> >
> >My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
> >
> >"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
> >
> >And my all time favorite...
> >
> >My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
> >
> >"One day you'll have kids ...and I hope they turn out
> >just like you!"

Another True Story
 

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any...
True story...a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!

An 85 year old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave him a jar and said "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow".

The next day the old guy reappears at the doctors office and gaves him the jar, which was clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doc asked what happened and the man explained.

"Well doc, it's like this-first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. then I tried my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Ruth the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing"!!

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor???"

The old guy replied,"Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the jar open.
:3DSMILE: