Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says,
"Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, That's not so serious, Sister
Bernadette. Say five Hail Mary's, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."









A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed to
unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good
venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising
manager. The farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to advertise my
wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans,
red beans..."
The sales manager said, "Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount of
prime advertising time?" The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, "I'd be
willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks." "$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your
mind!!! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl!
For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!"
The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood. I'm just farting
around."










Test to get into heaven

Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven. Upon his arrival, a
concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates. "I'm sorry Forrest" St Peter
said;
"But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have
been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of
Heavenly Arrivals.
"That's Cool" said Forrest, What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"
"3 Questions" said St Peter.
"Which are?" asked Forrest.
"The First" said St Peter, “Is, which two days of the week start with
the letters 'T'?
"The second is: How many seconds are there in a year"
"The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now" said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions Forrest,
and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."
So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought.
I expect you to do the same.
The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had
considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have."
"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?"
Forrest said, " Today . . and Tomorrow."
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.
"Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three
questions?" St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Just 12!"
"Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure
Forrest?"
"Easy" said Forest. "There's the second of January, the second of
February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
seconds."
St Peter looked at Forrest and said, "I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his
head.

A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. "I'll allow the answer
to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question
absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven."

"Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in
Waltzing Matilda?"

Forrest replied,"Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer."

"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer, Forrest?"

"It's Andy."

"It's Andy??"

"Yes, it's Andy" said Forrest.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,
deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest,
asked."Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

"Easy" said Forrest . . "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his
billy boiled ..."


And Forrest entered Heaven!





If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I
want to go where they
went." - Will Rogers


"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can
spare and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the
best deal man has ever
made" - M. Facklam


"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies,
quite unlike people, who
are incapable of pure love and always have to mix
love and hate." -
Sigmund Freud


"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he
wags his tail instead of
his tongue." - Anonymous


"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they
keep abreast of current
events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper,
containing all kinds of
late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are
especially urgent, are
often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry


"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like
never washed a dog." -
Franklin P. Jones


"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough
exercise." - Unknown


"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees
us peeing in his water
bowl." - Penny Ward Moser


"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and
to turn around three times
before lying down." - Robert Benchley


"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room
furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in
the conversation." - Fran
Lebowitz


"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members
of a weird religious
cult." - Rita Rudner


"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive
evidence that you are
wonderful." - Ann Landers


"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a
puppy licking your face." -
Ben Williams


"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you
more than he loves
himself." - Josh Billings


"The average dog is a nicer person than the
average person." - Andrew A.
Rooney


"Ever consider what they must think of us? I
mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul --
chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-Anne Tyler


"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is
that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few
persons." - James Thurber


"Women and cats will do as they please, and men
and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein