Jokes

[bliss]

one last kiss

[letsboogie351]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..

As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

[CobraEd]

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.

[392cobra]

The latest in Migraine treatment.....


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[bliss]

Good exercise....



As I watch individuals, couples or groups of people in restaurants, stadiums, on the beach or walking the streets, all totally absorbed in their smart phones and iPads, I'm reminded of Albert Einstein's statement:

"I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of IDIOTS."

Yup, we are there.

[bliss]

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
_____

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,

"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied,

"Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

[bliss]

Not what it looks like.....

[bliss]

So, the downside is horrific, but the upside of being a drug dealer.....

[bliss]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
_____

What is 6.9?

A really great thing ruined by a damn period.

[bliss]

Four Engineers, a mechanical, a chemical, an electrical and a software engineer, were traveling in a car when, suddenly, the car stopped. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized.

We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again" said the mechanical engineer.

Well," said the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clean out the fuel system." "I think it might be a grounding problem," said the electrical engineer," or maybe a faulty plug wire." All three turned to the software engineer who had said nothing.

"Well, what do you think?" they asked. He replied, "Well, perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again ..."
_____

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking when a flasher appeared. He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first lady had a stroke and the second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far.

[letsboogie351]

Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

[bliss]

A garage you won't forget

[bliss]

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[bliss]

THE BOTTLE OF MERLOT.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So, the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there."... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be; I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'”

[bliss]

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?".........Always seems like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation with me

[bliss]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words "finished" and "complete".

In a recently held linguistic competition held in London, England attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

Here is his answer which made him the winner of the contest. He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old Eldorado rum for his answer.

His final question was this: How to explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer: When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!
_____

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

Is everybody clear on that?
_____

I can't wait until they can put wings on humans. Because if they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs, and when they can put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex.

[bliss]

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
_____

[B L & sons]

Originally Posted by bliss

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
_____

Blul siht

[bliss]

You Know Your Broke When...

American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

Sally Struthers sends you food.

McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

On Thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.

At communion you go back for seconds.

You wash your toilet paper.

You have to save up to be poor.

You're in college.

You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.

Your imaginary friend has more money than you.

You owe yourself money.

[FWB]

you can't afford to pay attention.....