Jokes

[VRM]

A Texan, fresh from the ranch, was invited to a Hollywood party.

Madonna spied him and started flirting with him.

"Tell me cowboy, is there 'anything' you'd really like."

"Welllll," he replied, "I sure could use a piece of ass."

Madonna nodded and took him into a bedroom. She removed her
clothes and his clothes, then engaged in a hot session of mad
passionate lovemaking with him.

After they were done, she again asked suggestively, "Now,
handsome, is there anything *else* I can do for you?"

"Well, ma'am," he replied in his Texan drawl, "I could still use
that piece of ass for my drink."

[Cobrabill]

An 85-year-old Florida man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit. She even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open.”

[cobra de capell]

Not a joke, but sort of funny - it's getting so one cannot even believe a photograph anymore.

Katie C. from NYC Says 'I Lost 20 Pounds With the Fauxtography Beach Diet!'

by Mark Finkelstein

August 30, 2006 - 13:49

In the wake of the fauxtography scandals of the recent Middle East conflict, you might think that the MSM would be particularly careful to avoid tinkering with photos. And if there is one TV news operation you would imagine would be particularly gun-shy about altered documents, it would be the Memogate network - CBS.

Apparently not. The photo on the left is Katie's official CBS photo. The one to the right is to be found in the CBS "Watch" Magazine.

Whoops.

You know, they say it's all about the accessories. That little black dress might go nicely with . . . a green helmet.

Porky Katie vs. Perky Katie

[Don]

A Catholic Heart Attack ?

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Cobrabill]

the good ole days

DATING IN 1957
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy
Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites
him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop
or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it."Naturally this comes as quite a surprise
to Harold and he says Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue
really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately he
has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the
front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a
small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back
into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

[Cobrabill]

Once you get past the error on the premise of this joke,it's humorous.

Why our country is in trouble
Perhaps this will explain it all
A Washington , DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts, " Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ," Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since
Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would
it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he
said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".

[EarlsflyinCobra]

Three Ladies In A Sauna

Three Women -- One German, One Japanese And A Hillbilly Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna. Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound.
The German Pressed Her Forearm And The Beeping Stopped.

The Others Looked At Her Questioningly.
"that Was My Pager," She Said, "i Have A Microchip
Under The Skin Of My Arm."

A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Japanese Woman Lifted Her Palm To Her
Ear And Talked Quietly. When She Finished, She Explained, "that Was My
Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand."

The Hillbilly Woman Felt Decidedly Low Tech. Not To Be Outdone, She Decided
She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And
Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Behind. The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her.

The Hillbilly Woman Finally Said, "well, Will You Look At That,
I'm Gettin' A Fax."

[Wes Tausend]

Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked:

"What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"

The Marine shrugged and replied: "Recoil."

(hard to fault a Marine that eloquent)

============================================\

Bush Bumper Stickers

These bumper stickers were compiled by Jerry Paull, a former Methodist minister in Lakeside, Ohio, who writes: The following actual bumper stickers are now on cars. I didn't write any of them. I'm only the messenger. If they make you laugh, good. If they make you cry, good.
If they make you angry, that's good too.


BLIND FAITH IN BAD LEADERSHIP IS NOT PATRIOTISM

IF YOU'RE NOT OUTRAGED, YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION

IF YOU SUPPORTED BUSH, A YELLOW RIBBON WON'T MAKE UP FOR IT

POVERTY, HEALTH CARE, AND HOMELESSNESS ARE MORAL ISSUES

OF COURSE IT HURTS. YOU'RE GETTING SCREWED BY AN ELEPHANT

BUSH LIED, AND YOU KNOW IT

RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISM: A THREAT ABROAD, A THREAT AT HOME

GOD BLESS EVERYONE (No exceptions)

BUSH SPENT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY ON HIS WAR

IF YOU SUPPORT BUSH'S WAR, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? SHUT UP AND SHIP OUT

FEEL SAFER NOW?

I'D RATHER HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO SCREWED HIS INTERN THAN ONE WHO SCREWED HIS COUNTRY

MY VALUES? FREE SPEECH. EQUALITY. LIBERTY. EDUCATION. TOLERANCE

IS IT 2008 YET?

DISSENT IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF PATRIOTISM -- Thomas Jefferson

DON'T BLAME ME. I VOTED AGAINST BUSH -- TWICE!

ANNOY A CONSERVATIVE: THINK FOR YOURSELF

VISUALIZE IMPEACHMENT

HEY BUSH! WHERE'S BIN LADEN?

STOP MAD COWBOY DISEASE

GEORGE W. BUSH: MAKING TERRORISTS FASTER THAN HE CAN KILL THEM

KEEP YOUR THEOCRACY OFF MY DEMOCRACY

DEMOCRATS ARE SEXY. WHOEVER HEARD OF A GOOD PIECE OF ELEPHANT?

ASPIRING CANADIAN

DON'T CONFUSE DYING FOR OIL WITH FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM

STEM CELL RESEARCH IS PRO LIFE

HATE, GREED, IGNORANCE: WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

HONOR OUR TROOPS: DEMAND THE TRUTH

REBUILD IRAQ? WHY NOT SPEND 87 BILLION ON AMERICA?

FACT: BUSH OIL
1999 - $19 BARREL
2006 - $70 BARREL

THE LAST TIME RELIGION CONTROLLED POLITICS, PEOPLE GOT BURNED AT THE STAKE

I'LL GIVE UP MY CHOICE WHEN JOHN ROBERTS GETS PREGNANT

HOW ON EARTH CAN 59,411,287 PEOPLE BE SO DUMB?

================================================== \

[cobra de capell]

Once again, not a joke - I would guess that this thing actually works!

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Once again, not a joke - not funny at some levels, but funny none the less.
____

The History Of The World According To Actual Grade School Student Exam Papers:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached
Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.

5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.

7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.

8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus'

9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.

11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, "hurrah,"

12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

15. One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse
divided against itself cannot stand' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and half Italian and half English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

19.Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Mark Brothers.

20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[cobra de capell]

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"

Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm
not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and
he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and
step on it."

The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew
you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!"

"Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!"

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free ~~~~~~burgers, peanut butter and fried banana sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you. Thank you very much!"

[Ron61]

AGE!! Shall Weary Us All!!

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, about mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

<><><><><><><>

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

<><><><><><><>

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

<><><><><><><>

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

<><><><><><><>

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


***************

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"


Keep Reading


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"


Keep Reading


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer ."


Keep Reading


A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


Keep Reading

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"


Keep Reading


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[Jim Werth]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one
of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room,
she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was,
and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and
relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the
first doctor was and demanded,

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has
four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her
she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without
looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

[cobra de capell]

Okay, I'll try again.

A man goes into an ice cream store. He orders a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate.

"Sir, we're out of chocolate."

"Okay, I'll have a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate."

"Sir, like I said, we're outa chocolate."

"Right, then I'll have a scoop of butter pecan and a scoop of chocolate."

"Sir, can you spell van in vanilla?"

"V-A-N."

"And can you spell straw in strawberry?"

"Sure. S-T-R-A-W."

"Now, can you spell frick in chocolate?"

"There's no frick in chocolate."

"THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU - THERE'S NO FRICKIN' CHOCOLATE!"

[d_ford]

A high school wrestler was recounting to another student how he had won his latest match the night before. He described how the coach had told him before the match that his opponent had a particular move called "the pretzel" that once you were locked into it, there was no getting out. The wrestler said that right away, his opponent got him in the pretzel. He was twisted in every direction and didn't even know which way was up.
The student asked if that hold was impossible to get out of, how did he win the match? Well, said the wrestler, I was all twisted up in this hold, knowing that I was about to lose the match when I saw that a male crotch was right against my face.
Do you have any idea how much strength you have when you bite your own ballsack?

[Ron61]

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR
drivers (I bet his life will be miserable after the NAACP sees this!)

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same
time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale JR.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillac's approved for competition.
# 2 - Can't wear helmet sideways.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR.

# 1 - When they crash their cars, they bail out and run.

[wtm442]

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grand pappy?"

Grandpa (being in a kink of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"

Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that. I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.

The smallest little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

[wtm442]

Real "Personal ads" in the Dublin News:
----------------------------------------------------------
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

------------------------------ ------------------------
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks
decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced *****es.
------------------------------------------------------
Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and ****ty after a
few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purpose, maybe more.
------------------------------------------------------
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse
end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely
chest.
------------------------------------------------------
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
------------------------------------------------------
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed Supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

[cobra de capell]

This engineer showed up at the pearly gates and, due to a clerical error, was redirected to hell.
A while later one of the angels noticed the error and brought it to G-d's attention. G-d placed a call to Satan. "Hey, Satan, I hear you got one of our engineers down there."

"Yeah, G-d, this is great. The guy's got the place air-conditioned, he's put in a waste disposal system to beat the band, and he's started putting in escalators on all the mountains."

"Well, there's been a mistake. You're going to have to send him up here."

"In your dreams, Big Guy. There's no way I'm letting you have this guy after all the good he's done down here."

"You ignorant little Imp. If you don't send him right up I'll sue you."

"Riiiiiiiiiight. And where are you gonna get a lawyer?"