Jokes

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Most women need a little reassurance.

For example, when she says "oh, you want to see crazy?"…reassure her that you do not.
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The lady I'm married to has accused me of being impersonal.
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My wife is allergic to peanuts.

She breaks out in a rash every time I bring home my paycheck.
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"Say hello to my little friend."

Great film quote. Terrible bedroom talk.
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A shouting mother-in-law....................

The original surround sound.
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A blonde enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
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My girlfriend had a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh. When I put my ear to it I could smell the ocean.
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[bliss]

A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was a girl... once.
I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met.
She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.
"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man."
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[bliss]

Optimism: The eternal belief that you're always one-third of the way to a threesome.
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First it's one little white lie.

Then they get easier and easier to tell. The next thing you know, you're a lawyer.
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I don't think playing catch with my grandkid was the problem so much as the fact that I kept dropping him.
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What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed; they're no longer thick and insensitive.
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How are men like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
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Why do men marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
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Ask not for whom the bell tolls.

Let the voicemail get it.
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Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

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A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine.
The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
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At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking the horn.
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[bliss]

Bubba gets pulled over for speeding.

Bubba: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

Bubba: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Bubba: I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Bubba: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Bubba: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Bubba: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Bubba: Yes, and I killed the owner.

Officer: You what?

Bubba: Killed the owner, I had to self- defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.

The Officer looks at Bubba and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! Bubba steps out of the vehicle.

Bubba: Is there a problem sir?

Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.

Bubba: Killed the owner?

Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?

Bubba: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.

Bubba digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.

Bubba: Bet the liar told you I was speeding too.

[bliss]

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number.

The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink.

You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.

[bliss]

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".
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The furniture store keeps calling me to come back.

But all I wanted was that one night stand.
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If a man speaks in the forest
and there is no woman there
to hear…
Is he still wrong?

[bliss]

How women think.....

Husband's text Message:

"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays.

The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot.

Wife's Response:

"Who's Paula?"
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Judge: "You understand that you have sworn, to tell the truth?"
Me: "I do."
Judge: "You understand what happens if you commit perjury?"
Me: "My side wins?"
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[BAsque1]

[SMOKNAC]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the beach.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'



She replied,'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'
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A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me??
Hell...that's just a sign of good taste!!

[bliss]

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
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[bliss]

If the woman is always right, and a man is always wrong.
Then, if a man tells a woman that she's right.
Is the man right or wrong?
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Life before the computer...

* Memory was something that you lost with age

* An application was for employment

* A program was a TV show

*A cursor used profanity

* A keyboard was a piano

* A web was a spider's home

* A virus was the flu

* A CD was a bank account

* A hard drive was a long trip on the road

* A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

* And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
.....you just hoped nobody found out
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Flat screens are nice and all, but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
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Sitting around at Christmas with my great grandma and she starts laughing.

I ask her, "What's so funny?"

She replies, "Everyone here is alive because I got laid."
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I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

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They say the average person has sex 119 times a year. Looks like I'm in for a wild ride for the next two weeks.
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Why do medications always have side effects like 'anal leakage' & 'suicidal thoughts'?

Why not 'invisibility' or 'spontaneous orgasms'?
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I love this time of year.

You can slam your laptop shut when your GF walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.
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Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, I'm glad it's the yawn.
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Why Fonts matter.....

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Not funny, but......

An eagle was fitted with a camera and released from the top of the 2,715 foot Burj Khalifa in Dubai, the world's tallest building, on Saturday, 14th March, 2016. The eagle's handler is standing among islands, buildings and people. Somehow from that altitude, the eagle actually picks out and recognizes the trainer from all of the other objects, and people. You can see it searching for its trainer. Completely invisible to a human eye and the camera, it then fold its wings and drops like a bullet straight to its trainer. What surprised the experts is how efficiently the eagle spots its trainer from that altitude. Even more impressive is how smooth its flight is with no camera shake whatsoever, even when it goes into a power dive. Here's the film.

World Record Eagle Flight From World's Tallest Building

Hood ornament for your Cobra?

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On a rainy afternoon, a group of protesters gathered outside a grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.

A young (20-ish) female protester offered a pamphlet to a frail and elderly woman, which she politely declined.

The young protester gently put her hand on the old woman's shoulder and in a patronizing voice she said, "Don't you care about the children of Syria?"

The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a naive, ignorant, self-centered bimbo like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country—and if you touch me again, I'll shove this umbrella up your butt and open it."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

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After a very busy day, Peggy settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Manhattan for the 'burbs.

As the train rolled out of the station, one last passenger jumped on the train and got the last seat .... right next to Peggy.

Naturally, he pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.

"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric! ... I'm on the train.
Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting ... No, honey, not with that floozie frrom the accounts office, with the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life .... yes, I'm sure, cross my heart," etc., etc.

It was nauseating. And no matter how much Peggy glared at him, cleared her throat, or otherwise tried to express her disapproval over his rudeness, he completely ignored her.

Fifteen minutes later, she got an idea. She leaned in close to him and said in her most sensual, pouty voice aimed right at his phone:

"Hey, Eric, sweetie! Turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

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After observing Earth two aliens are having a conversation.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have their weapons aimed at themselves."
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Quickest way to get over someone?

4 wheel drive.
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Every day I try to learn from the mistakes...

of people who took my advice.
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Interviewer: So tell me about yourself.

Applicant: I'd rather not... I really want this job.
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The wife was looking very pleased with herself this morning. She found something that still fits from her school days: a pair of earrings.
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You think you've got problems?

I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.
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[bliss]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.





When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.





In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.


Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.





So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.


She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.


Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.





When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her.


She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.


She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.


She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.


So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.





When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.


She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.





I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.