Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A sexy woman sauntered up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender, who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," She whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[cobra de capell]

Men, you really should study this. Most men that I have met seem to have missed the class when it was covered. Here's a refresher course for you.


1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this
means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This
means something, and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do
It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is not actually a word, but is a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for
the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. That's okay
means she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question,
or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8 . Whatever : Is a
women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has
told a man to do several times, but is now doing it
herself. This will later result in a man asking
"What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

[cobra de capell]

Driver's Test

You are driving along a two lane road with a "NO PASSING" sign posted, and come upon a bicycle rider.



Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2.5 miles, or do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice?

More input:



I say, why take unnecessary risks!

[cobra de capell]

Agenda for the 2008 Democrat National Convention

7:00 pm Opening flag burning

7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. in Spanish

7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jessie Jackson and
Al Sharpton

7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging

7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore

8:15 pm Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry

9.00 pm Saddam Memorial Rally - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon

11.00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund
- Barbara Streisand

11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn

11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers -
Howard Dean & Rosie O'Donnel

12:15 am "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by
Michael Moore

12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi

12:50 am Speech and toast by Hugo Chavez to the departure of "the
great satan", 'W' Bush

12:50 am Hillary proposes a toast to our 89 million new Democratic
Mexican voters

1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast to the extinction of the
Republican party.

1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton

1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted to drive Hillary home

[cobra de capell]

Sex and Gas

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he
put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he
would get his free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number
was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for
another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You
were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game
is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice
last week."

[cobra de capell]

Recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Isn't Science Wonderful!!!!!!

[4RE KLR]

This little Hispanic boy went into the kitchen and put flour on his face and told his mom "look Mom, I'm white" She slapped him and told him to go tell his father.

He went into the den and told his father "look dad I'm white", he slapped the little boy and and told him to go tell his grandmother.

He went into sweet Mimi's room and told her "look Mimi, I'm white" she slapped him and sent him back to his mother.

His mother asked him if he had learned anything? He said "Sure have, I've only been white for five minutes and I hate you damn Mexicans already."

[cobra de capell]

The Evolution of Math

1. Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990:

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers)

6. Teaching Math In 2007:

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

[cobra de capell]

The Loyal Husband

A woman had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet her husband stayed by her bedside every single day. Then one day she came to, and she motioned for him to come nearer.

As he sat by her side, she whispered, eyes full of tears, "you know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When you got fired and we just had my income you stayed there to give moral support since you had nothing else to give. And when your business venture failed, you stuck it out for the both of us, until the bankruptcy hearing was over. And when I got shot that time when I was driving your car, you were the first to inquire if I made it. Then when we lost the house, you stayed right there with me in our crummy little apartment. And now, when my health started failing, you’re here still by my side..."

"You know what?"

"What dear?" he gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, so get the hell away from me."

[cobra de capell]

Exercise for ClubCobra members:

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty
of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend
your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long
as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day,
you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to
where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your
arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of
the sacks.

[bomelia]

An elderly gentleman driving the highway late at night mistakes one of those exit ramp massage parlors for a diner. He is quite hungery, so he pulls off and enters the establishment. Not able to find a table, he seats himself in a plush red velvet couch and waits for a waitress to assist him. Soon enough, a scantily clad woman wearing high heels and an apron approaches him. "Would you like some super sex?" she asks. To which he replies, maam, I'll just have the soup.

Mike

[cobra de capell]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."








The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar*****youate!

[cobra de capell]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?



If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.



Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.



Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister

[4RE KLR]

and the best part is you can get it without a perscription

[cobra de capell]

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.



Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes..


Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.


What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."


Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[cobra de capell]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone".



Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

"I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook".

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. All the while, the phone was still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.


It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her".

[cobra de capell]

Several persons who had worked in health care professions, having died, were lined up for (hopefully) entrance through the Pearly Gates into heaven, awaiting St. Peter's "gatekeeping" questions.

"And what area of health care were you involved with?" he asked the first. "I worked in a community health center in a poverty-stricken neighborhood," the man replied.

"Excellent," said St. Peter, "how self-giving; please pass through to your heavenly reward."

"And you?" Peter asked the second.

"I spent most of life in nursing, caring for the needs of suffering patients in their hospital rooms."

"A noble calling, indeed," said Peter, "you're in!"

"What about you?" he asked the third.

"Me? Well, most of my health care career was spent administering an HMO plan."

St. Peter got out his charts and some graphs and his pocket calculator. He plugged in his laptop and worked the keyboard intensely. After about a half-hour, he said to the man: "I've got some good news. I think I can get you into heaven for five days."

[cobra de capell]

REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
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Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... Been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

[cobra de capell]

A man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates, to be greeted by St. Peter and a wall full of clocks. He asked St. Peter, what are these clocks? St. Peter replied, These are "lie clocks", the hands move each time a person tells a lie. See, over here is Mother Teresa's clock, the hands have never moved. And over here is Abe Lincoln's clock, and one hand has only moved a little.

The man asked, Where is Hillary Clinton's clock? St. Peter replied, Oh, it's in Jesus' office, He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[cobra de capell]

Well, we all know what weddings organized by women are like, so the ultimate question is: What would a wedding organized by men be like?

1. There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.

2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops, AND they would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" [censored].

6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".

9. There would be "Tailgate Receptions".

10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. After all, when was the last time you priced out strippers and an “open bar” policy?

13. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub, tavern or donut store.

14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

15. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her backside.

16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of b-b-q.

17. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.

And finally the invitations would read as follows...


Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain...
Yep, he's getting married!

He either:
A) Knocked her up
B) Couldn't get a different roommate or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum...

Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him, for the rest of his life, at:
Soldier Field Stadium
On the 50 Yard Line
At Half-time during Sunday's Game

Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for Beer, Nachos and Pizza.
Oh yeah... BYOB!