Jokes

[cobra de capell]

You know you're a redneck when ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly
Swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.....( INTERESTING))
5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The salvation army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.... (SO WHATS
YOUR POINT)
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your Father
made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "cool Whip"
on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table... (IRONING BOARD
WHATS THAT..
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
Improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury Duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[Cobrabill]

2008 Democratic National Convention Schedule of Events:

7:00 pm ~ Opening flag burning
7:15 pm ~ Pledge of Allegiance to the U. N.
7:20 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:25 pm ~ Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 pm ~ Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm ~ How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore
8:15 pm ~ Gay Wedding Planning - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm ~ Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry

9:00 pm ~ Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
9:35 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

10:00 pm ~ 'Answering Machine Etiquette' - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 pm ~ Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Streisand
11:15 pm ~ Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay -* Sean Penn
11:30 pm ~ Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 pm ~ How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean
12:15 am ~ 'Truth in Broadcasting Award' - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am ~ Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am ~ Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi
1:00 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:05 am ~ Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:35 am ~ Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home

[BigGuy]

BEST WELFARE JOKE OF THE YEAR:


A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up
to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE ........drawing welfare
checks.

I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing
is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful
nymphomaniac daughter

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply
all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas
holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is $90,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says , "You're Bull-****tin' me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

[Ron61]

----1----


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ".


And they say blondes are dumb...


----2----
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."


-----3----
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


-----4----
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor


-----5-----
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said
that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hands. The man
wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he
turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!


----6----
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN


----7----
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.


----8----
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.


----9----
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


---10----
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.


----11----
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Ron

[cobra de capell]

She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius." .
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
Goes In Front."
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

[Ron61]

the Preacher's Son


THE PREACHER'S SON: The choice in life. An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky and a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"

[cobra de capell]

GETTING OLD

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.

She simply replied, “No peer pressure!”

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs

I’ve sure got old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s licence

I feel like my body has got totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week “

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkle s fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

-— THE SENILITY PRAYER -—

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[strictlypersonl]

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Santa Ana, Mud, and Drought.

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

[Ron61]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to
attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please".
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini
the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your
IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity,
inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. .
The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try
different tactic. He returned and took a seat.
Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have.

A martini, please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started
discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the
Steelers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool . . . Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out "Uh . . . 'bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l- l-a-r-y?"

[Ron61]

Wrong E-mail Address

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address...

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following
Day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS. Sure is hot down here!!!

[Cobrabill]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry
at the lack of response and the ol der alien said, "I'd calm down if I
were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's
haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to
your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that!
I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared toward them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited
him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking
his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my many
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with any guy who can wrap
his dick around himself twice... and still hang it in his ear."

[cobra de capell]

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
______________
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
______________
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
______________
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
______________
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
______________
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
______________
Answer phone message:
"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
______________
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."
______________
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
______________
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
______________
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
______________
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
______________
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week and pulled a mussel.
______________
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
______________

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*****g bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*****g bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating b*****d of a f*****g bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[cobra de capell]

A WOMAN'S PRAYER:
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

[cobra de capell]

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!

[Cobrabill]

The Absolute Reliable and Valid History of Civilization.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men or wussies. Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group
hugs, and the concept of voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer
that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth; the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

A few modern liberals like Mexican light beer (with lime added), but most
prefer a chilled glass of Sauvignon Blanc, with passion fruit and kiwi
aromas which are marked by grassy notes, then rounded out on the idpalate
by peach flavors. Crisp and refreshing, with a hint of chalky minerality on
the finish; or Perrier bottled water. They eat raw fish but dislike beef.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, Ivy League professors, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood
and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated-hitter
rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink Sam Adams, Harpoon IPA or Yuengling Lager. They eat
red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and
generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
en lightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the
absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to
other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

[cobra de capell]

What does Larry Craig and Hillary Clinton have in common?
They were both TAPPING a HSU/shoe!

[cobra de capell]

Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Corporate America

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize
it’s a do-it-yourself thing.
27. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
28. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
29. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
30. Money can’t buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
31. Never pass a snow plow on the right.
______

A Lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.

She received back the following reply:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington , D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quada detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

You’ll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the “Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers” program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with
those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his attitudinal problem” will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views all females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.

I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka — over time.

Just remember that it is all part of “respecting his culture and his religious beliefs”. Wasn’t that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we’ll be watching.

Good luck!

Cordially, your friend,

GEORGE W. BUSH
_____

Quote of the Day

“Speaking at a forum organized by Lance Armstrong on cancer research, Hillary Clinton told Chris Matthews if she is elected president, she will declare war on cancer, and then she will support the war on cancer for two years, and then she will be against it for a year, and then she will back out of it all together” — Jay Leno, host of NBC’s “Tonight Show.”

[Ron61]

The Deadly Truth


A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."



The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."



He never heard the shot

[cobra de capell]

Steve-The Thoughtful Husband...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Steve. Lett me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Linda. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Linda to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Linda. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Steve.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Steve died suddenly on April 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Linda was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Steve somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[Wes Tausend]

...

The corporate boat race.....

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.


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