Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Of course, in the office now - the same 15 sound like this:

1. Rome dun did not create some great empire by havin' meetin's... dey dun did it bywastein' everyone who opposed dem. WORD!

2. If ya' kin stay calm, while all around ya' be chaos...den ya' probably gotsn't completely understood da damn seriousness of de situashun.

3. Hangin' some job RIGHT de fust time digs de job done. Hangin' de job WRONG foeteen times gives ya' job security. Slap mah fro!

4. Eagles may so', but weasels duzn't dig sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence be no match fo' Natural Stupidity. Slap mah fro!

6. Plagiarism saves time.

7. Neva' put off until tomo'row whut ya' kin avoid altogeder. Ah be baaad...

8. TEAMWORK... means neva' havin' t'snatch all de blame yo'self.

9. De layoffs gots'ta continue until mo'ale improves.

10. Neva' underestimate da damn powa' of real stupid sucka's in large groups.

11. Hang in dere, retirement be only dirty years away! Right on!

12. Go de 'estra mile. It makes yo' Man look likes an incompetent slacker. Ah be baaad...

13. When de goin' digs tough, de tough snatch some coffee bust.

14. INDECISION be de key t'FLEXIBILITY.

15. Aim Low, Reach Yo' Goals, Avoid Disappointment. Man!”

[cobra de capell]

Washing Machine

This young couple was about to get married and the night before their wedding day they had a talk. They decided that the one thing that they never wanted to have a problem with was initiating sex in their marriage.

To solve that problem they decided to come up with a "code word" to help break the ice when asking for sex. While they were trying to think of a word the washing machine went off balance and the husband says, "I have an idea, why not use 'washing machine' as the code word?"

So washing machine it was...

A year passed by and one night they were lying in bed and she was reading and he was watching TV. The husband rolls over and says, "Honey, Washing machine?", and she replies, "Honey, not tonight, I've got a huge headache, I promise we'll do it tomorrow night!" So he say's, "Alright that's fine, We'll do it tomorrow." They roll to their respective side of the bed and go to sleep.

However, the wife can't sleep because she's thinking, gosh we've only been married 1 year so we're still practically newlyweds maybe I should indulge him. She rolls over to her husband and whispers, "Honey, are you still awake??", and he replies, "Yeah, what do you want?". She says, "Washing Machine?!?!?!?" and he replies, "Forget about it. It was a small load, I did it by hand."”

[GlynMeek]

"Not actually a joke, but http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tt...le.php?sitepal go to this link - here's a lady that you can get to say whatever you want!"


THIS looks like lots of fun, but it keeps saying "error on page" on my PC...anyone get this to work?

Glyn

[cobra de capell]

Originally Posted by GlynMeek

"Not actually a joke, but http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tt...le.php?sitepal go to this link - here's a lady that you can get to say whatever you want!"


THIS looks like lots of fun, but it keeps saying "error on page" on my PC...anyone get this to work?

Glyn

Your link doesn't work for me, but the one I originally posted above works perfectly. Perhaps you are blocked from work? I hope you can get to it - it's sort of fun getting her to talk dirty, although some words don't come out perfectly, but it still works well.

Another thing - actually, if one doesn't know how to pronounce a word, just key it in and she will help you out. And, she's sort of cute, virtually speaking.

And, she speaks several languages - you can also change her into a guy, but that's no fun.

[cobra de capell]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now, get down and crawl reery fass to the other side of room." So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary disease?" Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass”

[cobra de capell]

Editor's Note: This is a supposedly true story from
Dartmouth.

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She
glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels
pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to
him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean ..." she whispers, "... I would do ... ANYTHING."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. " *Anything* ?"

"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... *study* ?"”
_____

What not to say to a police officer:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son.... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[cobra de capell]

How many Americans does it take to replace a lightbulb?

Two (one conservative and one liberal): One to replace the lightbulb (conservative), and one (liberal) to sue the original lightbulb manufacturer for pain and suffering for having to change the lightbulb, compensation for lost light, and to set a new legal precedent requiring lightbulb manufacturers to state clearly that lightbulbs may require replacing and that the manufacturer is in no way responsible for lost wages or any other consequential damages as allowed by law.

[cobra de capell]

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, Oh illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."”

[wtm442]

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

[wtm442]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she's staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

[cobra de capell]

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun”

[cobra de capell]

Life Lessons From A Dog


1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on
their shoes.

4. Don't go out without ID.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is
effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as
you're dragged out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.”

[cobra de capell]

25 Signs That You've Already Had Too Much of the 21st
Century

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat.
He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website.
7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year,but you posted one
for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college
roommate used to play.
10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
it contains Echinacea.
11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a
JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
14. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom
of the screen.
15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells
for half the price you paid.
16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make
a purchase is foreign to you.
17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of
the back seat of your car.
18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
21. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse... you're going to forward it to someone else.”

[cobra de capell]

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year
old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the
door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with
the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man replies, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball."
Man, "That's nice."
Boy, "Want to buy it?"
Man, "No, thanks."
Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?"
Boy, "$25"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and his mother's
lover are in the closet together. Boy, "Dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, the man asks, "How much?"
Boy, "$75"
Man, "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
go outside and toss the ball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't,
I sold them." Father, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy, "$100"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that,
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confessional and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"”

[cobra de capell]

Here is one of life's handy lessons. Much time and money has
been spent on this research.

4 worms were placed into 4 separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:

First worm dead.
Second worm dead.
Third worm dead.
Fourth worm alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and screw, you won't get worms.

[uncltodd]

You know you've had enough of the 21st Century when you take your Boss out to lunch for her birthday, and afterward buy her a new ring for her navel.

Yes, I did.

[cobra de capell]

uncltodd - I'm thinking that that was OK, according to the Man Laws list!


MAN LAWS

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

[cobra de capell]

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.

His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.

His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."”

[cobra de capell]

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday."”

[cobra de capell]

One day, shortly after the birth of their first baby, the
mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa
stayed home to watch his new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The
father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby
wouldn't stop crying. Finally, dad got so worried that he
decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After a brief examination the doctor undid the diaper and
found that it was quite full.

"Here's the problem," he said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "Impossible, the diaper
package says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"”