Jokes

[bliss]

A WOMAN WILL...


A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions,

and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most

handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,

sexy, seductive and invincible...


No wait...Sorry...




I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that sh!t.


Never mind.

[bliss]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched -with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?' 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

[letsboogie351]

Dear Grim Reaper,
So far this year you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson,
my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite singer Stephen Gately and my favourite actress Farah Fawcett.
Just so you know, my favourite politician is Julia Gillard.

Regards

[bliss]

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't wanted to
have sex with him for the past 7 months. The doctor tells the man to
bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her
what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months, every morning I take a cab
to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you
going to pay today or what?' "So I take a 'or what'.

"When I get to work, I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to
dock your salary, or what?' "So I take a 'or what'.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the
cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?'
"So again I take a 'or what'. So you see doctor, when I get home I'm
all tired out, and I don't want sex any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So
are we going to tell your husband or what?"

[bliss]

Bet you can't watch this just once......

http://dotcomjoe.com/clips/spot_look_for_love.wmv

[392cobra]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream
'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the
Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy,clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you
ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in a Home Depot store".

[letsboogie351]

Mildred, an influential, attractive 30 year old widow, was the church
gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals.
She kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a young, very
good looking new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his
pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing
it there WOULD KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment. He didn't
explain, defend, or deny. He didn't say anything either, but just
turned & walked away.


Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house .... walked home . . .and left it there all night.

[letsboogie351]

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered ...
Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

[bliss]

Peter, a well known anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a
drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa (skull cap), tzitzis
(undergarment with long strings), and payos (long side curls). He
doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So
Peter shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for
everyone in here, bartender, but not for that guy over there," pointing
to the Jewish guy.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, Peter notices that the
Jewish guy is smiling, and calls to Peter and says, "Thank you." This
infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for
everyone except the Jewish guy. But as before, this does not seem to
worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank
you."

So Peter says to the barman, "What's the matter with that guy over
there? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except
that guy, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is something wrong
with him or something?"

"Not at all," replies the barman. "He's the owner."

[letsboogie351]

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

[Ibr8k4vetts]

You know how to turn a Fox into a Dog?.......Marry it!

[letsboogie351]

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.


"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."


His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I'm a hooker."


"No problem," said her husband, "Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."

[letsboogie351]

THE IRISH BROTHEL

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of
the brothel over the road.The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
" Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."

[GoMangoMan]

Will these scams ever stop??? I'm almost worn out trying to see if this one is for real!!!!




Older Men Scam




Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[letsboogie351]

I would just like to share an experience with you all, and it has to do
with drinking and driving.
As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way
home from the odd drunken excursions over the years?


Well I for one have done something about it!

Last night I was out for a few drinks with a few friends and had way too
many Wines & a few shooters, knowing full well I was wasted, I did
something I've never done before. I took a Bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise,
since I had never driven a bus before!!

[bliss]

Dating protocol


British WOMEN:

First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date:
You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date:
Meet her parents.
Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date:
Wedding night.


BLACK WOMEN:

First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have
sex in the back of her car.
Second Date:
She's pregnant.
Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date:
You take a loan to keep the image
Third Date:
You're broke, she finds someone wealthier


ARAB WOMEN:

First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date:
You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
(No third date)


The POINT?

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

[letsboogie351]

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to
look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

[bliss]

You could save a life (not actually a joke)

CPR

(it's a hell of a way to learn)

[bliss]

The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as
possible for her college class and the instructions were that it had to
discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one who
received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."
_____

Not a joke...

Vintage Race Car Crashes on Devour.com

[letsboogie351]

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."