Jokes

[Joe Wicked]

I have seen the climbing video before, but it is awesome none the less. I consider myself pretty brave at things, but I don't know that I could do that.

[bliss]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter.

Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
_____

James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
_____

Frances Dilorinzo - Homemade Implants

[bliss]

Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other.

[bliss]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’ ‘98,’ she replied...
‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old :
‘And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?’ the reporter asked..
Answer: No peer pressure.’

The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license..

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor’s permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.
‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.’

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker..

These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
‘For fast relief.’

[bliss]

Happy President's Day.....