Jokes

[bliss]

[bliss]

I was looking through the microscope at my wife's DNA and I thought, "These genes make her look fat."
_____

I love a girl with a trimmed bush. It makes it easier to look into her window at night.
_____

Sometimes my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her blouse during our lunch break the other day when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."
_____

I wake up with wood, my wife wakes up with wouldn't.
_____

The reason women ask so many questions: They have an extra "why" chromosome."
_____

The postman left me a card today to let me know my package was too large. I like compliments.
_____

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not bad.

[bliss]

Is you got the blues?

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:


1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch ... ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis .

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada . Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues : (a) highway; (b) jailhouse; (c) empty bed; (d) bottom of a whiskey glass.

11. Bad places for the Blues: (a) Nordstrom's (b) Gallery openings (c) Ivy League institutions; (d) Golf courses.

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: (a) You're older than dirt; (b) You're blind; (c) You shot a man in Memphis ; (d) You can't be satisfied. No, if: (a) You have all your teeth; (b) You once were blind but now can see; (c) The man in Memphis lived; (d) You have a 401K or trust fund.

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: (a) Cheap wine; (b) Whiskey or bourbon; (c) Muddy water; (d) Black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: (a) Perrier; (b) Chardonnay; (c) Snapple (d) Slim Fast.

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women: (a) Sadie (b) Big Mama; (c) Bessie; (d) Fat River Dumpling.

18. Some Blues names for men: (a) Joe (b) Willie (c) Little Willie; (d) Big Willie.

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis .

20. Blues Name Starter Kit: (a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); (b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.); (c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc.

21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.

[bliss]

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa.

Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front.

The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright."

The other tiger says "sorry" and they continue on their way. After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action.

The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!"

The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action.

The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop."

The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
_____

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, "What's going on?"

"You tell me?" replied my wife.

I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."

"A stranger, eh?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"

I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
_____

Three couples were golfing, a Swedish couple, an Irish couple, and a Scottish couple.

The Swede`s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yourself up a bit.
_____

I took a chick to my place last night.

The next morning she woke me up, holding up a picture. "Is this your wife?" she frowned.

"Yes, it is," I replied. "She passed away."

"How sad," she sighed. "How did your sons take it?"

"I haven't told them yet," I replied. "They stayed at their Grandma's last night."