Jokes

[bliss]

George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks, "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing.
Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart."

George gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong"?
George says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife" she screams! "I didn't know you were married before!!!"
George retorts, "I wasn't..."
_____

Redneck test....

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound opossum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '86 Dodge Diplomat
(C) '80 Ford pickup.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a Chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't cha?
It's okay if ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare ya for in this life.
_____

Hilarous laws....

Law of equality:
The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 minutes is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll call you in 5 minutes!

Law of Queue:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Bath Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
People with the seats at the farthest from the entry arrive last.

Law of Proposal:
After you accept a proposal you will get a better one...

Law of getting late:
When you reach early for something it will never start on time.