Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Me: "Today is International Women's Day."
Coworker: "So we have to think about women all day?"
Me: "Yup."
Coworker: "How is that different from any other day?"
Me: "Today it's official."
Coworker: "Hooters for lunch then."
Me: "Yup."

Midlife for a woman begins when...

You go to the doctor and you realize you're now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

You no longer have upper arms, you now have wingspans.

You are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, you are now flying squirrels in drag.

You stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end. (without turning around).

You go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

You're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

You bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back.

Life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" ... jiggly, yes - jiggy, no.

Your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Tennessee).

You want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube to and scream "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"

You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think ... "For this I have stretch marks?!"

Your memory really starts to go and the only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here - or - how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?