So I go to the grocery store......

[Roscoe]

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘You’re definitely going to **** yourself’ chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass-cheeks WILL fall off.

Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2?.

Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh oh, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Sonofa*****!’, then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Those bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store…

[Karl Bebout]

Most excellent story. Can certainly relate.

[rustyBob]

that was great ,I havent laughed that hard in a long time,when nature call...you answer.

[bomelia]

You are a sick but funny man

[Jamo]

Roscoe...that is a keeper.

[Bill Bess]

Great story, I'd think Walmart would have a better AC system...and what hppened to that greeter that said "welcome to Walmart"? I guess they didn't really mean it.

Bill

[Ron61]

Great story Roscoe. Hard to read I was laughing so hard.

Ron

[jams]

Got a good laugh out of that story. Very well crafted. I guess a career as a Walmart greater is out of the question.

I think you have a legal case here...anal discrimination.

[392cobra]

Looks like you've put together a nice chili Roscoe.

I think you might qualify as Entry #9.
http://www.texasrebelradio.com/texas_chili_cook_off.htm

[trularin]

Roscoe, the others on CC had told stories about you. I am glad to hear they were true.



Well told!

[Cobrabill]

Even my wife roared at this one.BTW-Roscoe,i have a stash of real old fashioned(Hydrogen sulfide)stink bombs.If you feel the need to revisit the store without any "discomfort",i'll send you a box.


Sorta related:

http://www.tmz.com/videos?autoplay=t...2-8424f433f60e

[bomelia]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[1ntCobra]

One time I found myself running thru a Wal*mart to visit the facilities. It was one of those ones with doorways, but no doors. After finishing the task at hand, I got up and started toward the sinks when a couple of women came in, who thought they might have entered the wrong facility. It was then, I noticed that there were no urinals present in the room...

[Silverback51]

I went to the Wichita airport one morning slightly hungover to catch an early flight and walked into the Mens Room. Took about 4 steps in and noticed 2 Nuns washing up at the sinks. I thought I was in the wrong place, so I quickly retreated and checked the door. Nope, it was the Mens Room. Walked back in and mentioned to the Nuns that they were in the wrong room. I really think I was more embarrased than they were. They politely thanked me and then left.

When I came out they were just outside the door and wanted to buy me breakfast to thank me.

[TButtrick]

LMAO.. but that story seems to be all over the net.

[bomelia]

Of course it is all over the net. Roscoe also posted the one about Ryan's resteraunt. I will not revisit THAT one... but it amazed me that after I had emailed it out to a few folks, they actually believed it was MY story.

Mike

[Roscoe]

Damn! You mean someone stole my story????

Roscoe

[trularin]

Well Mike, I suppose yours is just as believable as Roscoe's.