Jokes

[bliss]

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, "Are you still holding the ladder?".

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn't piss anyone off.

She said I'm 'barely tolerable,' which means there's still a chance.

“John could tell that Emily was getting tired of him narrating their date."

I'm so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

I don't have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a "tip" for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you reading this have nothing to worry about.

I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people.

My financial situation is so bad, I'm being sponsored by a child in Africa.

Remember--the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it's not impossible.

My sex life has improved so much I'm thinking of asking someone else to join me.
______

Points to ponder.......

1. Should you do the right things or should you do things right?

2. At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?

3. If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

4. In the word scent, is "S" silent or "C"?

5. Why is it called a building when it's already built?

6. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

7. Do they have the word 'dictionary' in the dictionary?

8. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

9. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

10. If you drop soap on the floor, is the floor clean or the soap dirty?

11. Who took the picture of the first camera? And how was it taken?

12. Is sand called sand because it's between sea and land?