Jokes

[bliss]

As I've Matured... I've learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...


I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.



I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.



I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.


I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.



I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.



I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.


I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.


I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.



I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.



I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.



I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.



I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.



I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.



I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it



I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.


I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the as$ are permanent.

[Ron61]

Good ones Bliss.

Ron

[Ron61]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are all being chased by cops. They reach an alley and there are 3 barrels. The redhead goes into the barrel filled with cats, the brunette goes into the barrel full of dogs, and the blonde goes inside the barrel filled with potatoes. The cops arrive at the alley and kick the barrels to see which ones have people in them. The cop kicks the barrel with cats and the redhead goes "Meow meow" so she doesn't get caught. The cop kick the barrel with dogs and the brunette goes "Bark bark" so she doesn't get caught. The cop kicks the barrel with the potatoes and the blonde says "Potato, Potato".

[bliss]

By the way, I appreciate the "Likes" as they encourage me to post and point out what type of stuff is likely to be appreciated. Thanks.
_____

A Narcissist's Prayer

That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did...

You deserved it.
_____

I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".

She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking"

I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!
_____

[bliss]

Older Guys are just wiser

A 71-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there’s another condition".
.
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
.
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
.
He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 $10 bills in her outstretched hand. She smiles and puts the money in her purse.
.
He then looks her square in the eyes and says slowly and clearly: ... "Paint my house."
.
Remember, the moral of the story is: Us older guys have different priorities.
_____