The POOL ROOM

[Bod]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'

[Rog246]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
Rog

[Rog246]

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.



My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.



After suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. Strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Soldier on!”



I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.



Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.



The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"



My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"



A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight men and a gun."


A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”;



A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.



I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


If i've offended anyone......................suck it up !




=

[letsboogie351]

Two white men and an Aborigine were in prison together. One of the whites
said he was in for ten years for attempted rape, but thought himself lucky he
hadn't actually done the rape or he would be in for twenty years.
The other white said he was in for fifteen years for attempted murder, but was
lucky his victim had lived, or he would be doing life.
The Aborigine then said he was in for twenty-five years for riding his bike
without a light, but reckoned he was lucky it wasn't night time.


A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When
she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before
he died?"
"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."


Two Tasmanian kids, brother and sister, are going
for it in their bedroom.
"Gee, you're better than Dad!" the sister says to
her brother.
"I know," he replies. "That's what Mum keeps
telling me!"

[jcraigau]

....A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK ! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out !"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man ?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios !"

[Rog246]

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a hundred dollar note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 60,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

Rog

[letsboogie351]

When I was young and had no sense
I had a piss on an electric fence
It tickled me prick and shivered me balls
And made me sh*t me overalls!

[Rog246]

Originally Posted by letsboogie351

When I was young and had no sense
I had a piss on an electric fence
It tickled me prick and shivered me balls
And made me sh*t me overalls!

ROFLMFAO

I know someone who did just that !

Wiring up the urinal at a B & S Ball is an old trick, once you start to pee you just can't stop until your bladder is empty !!
Reckon it must smart a bit though
Rog

[OZCOBRA]

One of the pickers on the farm used to go for a Pi$$ on the back of the lunch shed and you could smell it & hear it while eating Lunch....needless to say the the old truck batteries gave him quite the sensation!!

[Rog246]

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember

[Legless]

Hi all,
I was down in Tassie last week and stumbled across a middle stage of the Wrest Point Targa
We waited at the designated start to see what turned up, here is a sample, no Cobras but an eclectic range of cars.
I think the Lambo won the stage and Targa, maybe the 240z got second. I wouldn't like to be driving that Fiat

cheers

[letsboogie351]

The Funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red
roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their
good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the
heart closed again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by
his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked:

"Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a
gynaecologist..........."

[Rob. Smith]

RE the Fiat...it's just about to devour the Camaro......remember that car add ? I can't remember what car though.

[Rog246]

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the internet


"I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ...
I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.
Her condition is said to be stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF"

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots....

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian"..... (This one is particularly clever)

A cow walks into a bar.
Barman says, "Why the long face?"
Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....
Talk about flogging a dead horse!

[Rog246]

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the
limbs.

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious home that completely
acquits him of his girlfriend's murder....Footprints.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes,
who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Oscar Pistorius has murdered his girlfriend. Proof that even a man with no
legs has a better shot than Fernando Torres.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Surely Oscar Pistorious cant be the first man to wake up legless on
Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone
else!

I take it Oscar Pistorius' girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

What's the first thing they are going to give Oscar Pistorious in prison? -
The bottom bunk.

Guys with disabilities are always overcompensating.
When I first saw Reeva Steenkamp, I said "I'd tap that".
Oscar Pistorius said "I'd double-tap that".

Oscar Pistorious a man who has made a giant f**k up but who can't yet be
classed as having shot himself in the foot.

And the Oscar goes to ......(drumroll)...... JAIL.

If we've learnt anything from today's tragedy, it's that if you can't walk
the walk... shooting your girlfriend in anger won't really get you very far
either.

South African Olympic hero Oscar Pistorius suspected of killing his
girlfriend. Police are stumped about his motive.

Oscar Pistorius jokes are statistically twice as funny as Heather Mills
jokes.

Roses are red,
My legs are Blades.
Sorry I shot you,
I thought you were spades.

[letsboogie351]

Bill, a blacktracker, never got along with his constable. He resented being called Abo, blackie or ******. One day, while they were tracking a couple of drunks who’d escaped from the local lock-up, Bill spotted the legendary yellow-belly goanna.

Legendary, because traditional belief holds that whoever catches this rare creature is granted three wishes. At the same time, twice as much of the same wish is granted to whomever you hate the most.

So Bill caught the goanna and, twirling it round by the tail, wished aloud, “I want a big house.” Lo and behold, a big house appeared from nowhere along with two big houses for the constable.

“****!” said the constable. “Girls, Billy, girls! Wish for some sheilas!”

“Okay, okay”, said Bill. “I want a hundred beautiful girls”. Instantly, 100 pulchritudinous women appeared by Bill’s house and 200 beside the constable’s houses. Just as the constable was about to go rushing in the front door with some of his girls, Bill gave the goanna another twirl and whispered his third wish.

“I want my sex urge reduced by 50 per cent”

[Rog246]

A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.




Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says,
"Congratulations, your wife has had quins", 5 big baby boys.

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, they're all black."

[letsboogie351]

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on
her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the
shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
“Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said “He’s got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

A man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where
he is going at this time of night.
The man replies,
"I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it
has on the human body".
The officer then asks,
"Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies,
"My wife."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."

[Rog246]

The Outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"


"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"


Pa proceeds to pull his head out ofthe hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! Mybeard is stuck in thecracks in the toilet seat!"


To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

[Rog246]

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH(always pronounced as GO )


Who thinks up these things!!!!!!!!!!!!

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh




I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh